Some people believe that longer working in short time is better than shorter working with long time, while other people think differently.If I were asked to choose, I would say that after the later choice is obviously better. There are several reasons and example as follows.
Working three days with longer hours is better than working five days with shorter hours. To begin with, the long working span with short hour is more efficient. What I mean by this is that It is divided with people's stamina, their the best efficient times are short than our expected.(조금 더 명확하게 설명해주세요)This is because their concentrations decreases are decreased when they spend long time at work. So, we can eliminate waste ability(무슨 뜻인지 모르겠네요) by working only in the best state. For instance, according to an experiment of Tokyo University, people can make more good result when they concentrate in a divided short time which is divided several time. To be specific, Tokyo University divided two group with management of studying time, with the first group having to study for a long time with brief studying and the second group studying for a short time with hard concentration. Then they compared the grade of the two teams. Surprisingly average grade of first group exceed second group's average grade.
on top of that, this (문단 처음에는 명확하게 명시해주시는게 좋아요) method can last more. What I mean by this is that logically they build more fatigue when they spend more time at work. Thus, it is unable to sustain until last day. conversely, my method can persist until last day due to short amount. Also, proper working can make a good condition to people. For example, When I was a 14, I exercised to my pectoral muscle and I used long span method. so, I could easily make the muscle and this appropriate amount of quota gave to me satisfaction. If I used the short day with hard playing, I couldn't sustain my exercise of pectoral muscle.
예상 점수: 14-17
총평: 문장이 모호하게 써져있는 부분이 많습니다. 글을 읽으시면서 이러한 부분들을 조금 더 명확하게 수정하시길 바래요. 또한 결론이 누락되어있는데, 결론을 추가해서 글의 구조와 구성을 만들어주시는게 좋을 것 같아요. fluency문제와 어감 문제도 많습니다. 전체적으로 수정이 많이 필요한 글입니다. 수고하셨습니다.