▶ Your Answer :
Some people might say that being successful
means doing simple, easy task and mastering only one or two things. However,
trying new things and taking risks are more related to success. This is because
today’s society is full of competition and changes, so it is inevitable to do
new things and to take risks. Also, there will be more chances to take when
people make alteration in advance.
First of all, contemporary society is full
of competition and differs from the past. Almost in every sector of society,
there is continuous variation and a lot of people struggle to succeed. success. Furthermore,
as AI has been raised, AI is also a formidable competitor. For these reasons, the
person who does not make any effort to be competent might be fell fall behind and
cannot succeed. success. Plus, tThere is a research conducted by Martin School at Oxford
University. They evaluated the possibility of AI’s replacement on people’s job.
The consequence was that except teachers or counselors, most of careers can be
replaced by AI or robots in the near future. This means that there is not enough time
for people to be who are stagnant and do just monotonous things. People should face up
to the reality and change themselves. 주제에서 말하는 '새로운 것들에 도전하고 위험을 감수하는 것'은 단순히 새로운 시대에 적응하려고 노력하고 경쟁력을 기르는 것과는 뉘앙스가 다릅니다. 기존의 것을 뛰어나게 잘 하는 것과 위험을 감수하고 모험하는 것 사이에서 어떤 것이 더 성공과 관련이 있는지 묻는 문제라는 점에 유의해서 주장을 제시해주세요.
On top of that, when people make change and
search for hazardous hazard things, there might be an unexpected chance to be successful.
Suppose that you are in the same career while doing almost same tasks without
variation. You might end up with your career without facing new, fresh opportunity.
There might be no chance to take development. 새로운 것에 도전해야 발전이 있다는 점은 주제와 어느정도 통할 수 있지만, 이 부분에서도 위험을 감수하고 새로운 것에 도전하는 것 자체보다는 '하던 것만 하는 대신 발전하려고 노력해야 발전한다'하는 식의 논지이기 때문에 논리를 충분히 보여주기 어렵습니다. 주제에 맞게 내용을 더 발전시켜주세요. Here is a direct example. When I
was in college, my roommate made an effort to culminate in English, Korean, and
German. Unexpectedly, the Korea government launched a new project, of which
purpose was is to correlate Korean sports infrastructure and German sports infrastructure. Thanks to for
his language ability, he was chosen by Korea as a student diplomat. This
experience led him to make a career in Germany and make better career. 위험을 감수하거나 도전한 것이 아니라 다양하게 준비했더니 기회가 찾아왔다는 사례이므로 현재 주제에 맞지 않습니다.
In conclusion, moving forward and culminating
on something are indispensable factors in society nowadays society. Considering the
occurrence of AI, and full of competition, and the unsuspected chance, no one can
cast doubt on this idea.
Comment : 단순히 변화에 적응하려고 노력하거나 변화를 꾀하면서 발전하는 것은 현재 주제에 맞지 않습니다. '성공'에 있어서 위험하더라도 그것을 감수하고 도전하는 게 더 도움이 되는 이유를 설명해야 하므로 현재 내용에서 흐름을 더 다듬어야 할 필요가 있어 보입니다. 비슷한 주제로 쓰인 모델에세이나 모범답안, 다른 분들의 글을 참고하면서 어떤 식의 주장이 논리를 전개하기에 좋을지 체크해보시는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 어색한 표현들, 문법오류들도 꼼꼼하게 봐주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) |