▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that it is better for young people to
select a different job for themselves than to select a job in the same field as
their parents. However, in my opinion, I strongly disagree with the above
statement by providing two reasons. First, young people can get useful advices advice (advice는 셀 수 없는 단어기 때문에 복수 형태가 없습니다) from their parents. Second, young people can use the relationship with their
parents.
First, young people can get precious advice from their
parents. This is because parents have gained a lot of knowledge about their
jobs due to extensive work experience. Therefore if young people follow their
parents, parents will provide them valuable directions. For example, as my friend’s mother is cook a chef, and (and로 문장을 시작하는건 좋지 않습니다 따라서 이문장은 앞문장과 이어지기 때문에 이런 형태에 문장으로 서술했습니다) my friend
wanted to be a cook as her mother become a chef like her mother. So after graduating from high school, she
started to learn how to cook well under her mother. The best thing was that her
mother gave numerous tips about cook how to coke food to her daughter. So it helped to her so
many times, and also it reduced the time to learn (run on sentence이기 때문에 앞에 so를 지우고 문장을 서술 하든 and을 지우고 서술해야할 거 같습니다.). After intense teaching, she
easily got a good job and be a famous cook chef ( cook이라는 단어는 요리사가 아닙니다 cook보다는 chef가 적절합니다) in our society.
Second, young people can use their parents for their career.
Usually parents have connections with other people who work in the same field. So
it will be a good opportunity to for young people who just start their career.For example, my friend who I mentioned in the first example
wanted to open a restaurant in downtown. But she did not know how to start this
and also she had no acquaintance to ask about (앞 단락에서도 말한 것처럼 문장을 시작 할 때 뒤에 문장도 그렇고 so나 and으로 시작하는것을 삼가 해주시길 바랍니다.). So she asked her mother to help
her out. Before long (이 문장에서는 필요가 없는 단어인거 같아요 무슨 뜻을 말하려고 하는지도 모르겠고요), her mother brought her friend who has a restaurant nearby
downtown and he helped almost everything because he had an experience about
opening his own restaurant. So my friend could open the restaurant
successfully.
To sum up, I think young people who select a job in the same
field as their parents can use parents’ connections and get good advices advice (결론에서 본인의 이유를 말하실 때 최대한 단락의 순서대로 이유들을 나열하는게 더 좋을 거 같아요). In
this regard, I personally disagree that it is better for young people to select
a different job for themselves than to select a job in the same field as their
parents. Good: Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 전체적으로 본인의 주제에 대한 설명과 예시들을 논리적으로 아주 잘 풀어 나간 거 같습니다. 하지만 아쉬운 부분은 문법적 부분입니다 문장을 시작 할 때에 and나 so를 삼가하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 단어들은 문장의 전체적인 플로우를 방해하기 때문입니다. 이것 이외에는 문제되는게 별로 없습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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