■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : The more money they have, the more they should give away charities.
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Some people think that the people who have more money should donate to charities than others. However, I have a different idea (different idea가 있다 이렇게 풀어나가는 것 보다는 나는 돈이 많으면 많을 수록 기부를 안해야겠다라고 풀어나가는 것도 좋을 거 같아요). First of all, donating charities is not obligation regardless of their income. Secondly, it is not effective methods for solving this problem.
To begin with, it is not a duty that gives away to charity even they have much of money to give away to charity even if people have a plethora amount of money.. Many people make efforts to pursue own's happiness and money is one of the methods to achieve it. Hence, spending money is their proper right. If some people gained gain (앞에서 현재 시제를 사용했기 때문에 현재 시재로 사용해야 합니다) money without any efforts, No one would not want to make efforts anymore. For example, the last year in my country, as the increase in the rate of the homeless and unemployed person (동사는 어디있나요?), the government enforced the top 10% of wealthy people to give away their 30% of incomes to charities. However, after several months ago later, rich people who gave away their income to the charities was made fewer efforts to gain money than before. Also, the number of unemployed people rather increased due to the system which helps them with the donation by rich people. Subsequently, average national income was decreased and my country experienced the economic crisis. 너무 상황이 급진적으로 풀어나갑니다. 기부 때문에 나라의 경제가 안좋아지고 경제 공황이 일어나게 되었다는 뭔과 과정에 대한 설명이 없는 거 같습니다. 둘 사이에 있었던 과정이 설명이 되어야지 왜 사람들이 본인의 에세이를 읽으면서 경제 공황으로 이어지는 지 이해할 수 있을 거 같습니다.
On top of that, giving to charity is not a matter for the wealthy individual; it is a matter for the government to solve. Even if they received the support from the charities, this problem could not resolve be resolved without their improvement of own's ability in order to be to become financially independent. For instance, according to research from the University of Maryland, the group which participated to the career build programs held by the government showed 70% higher succeed in financial independence than another group who relied on the charity. Also, they solved the reoccurred same problem properly too. Hence, since to produce the career program requires institutional efforts. it is better to depend on the government than the rich individual. 이유와 예시가 주제를 벗어났습니다. 이 에세이의 주제는 돈이 많으면 많을 수록 기부를 많이 해야하냐지. 기부를 받는 charity에서 정부의 개입이 필요하냐 이러한 주제가 아닙니다. 예시를 사용하 실 때 주제를 잘 보고 하시는게 좋을 거 같아요.
To sum up, the donation is not an obligation for the only rich people and aids from the government is better.
In this regard, I agree with the rich people do not have to required donate to the charity.
Fair: 17~23
점수: 22
전체적으로 논리적으로 잘 풀어나갔지만 첫 번째 바디나 두 번째 바디의 예시 사용이 적절하지 않았던 거 같습니다. 첫 번째 바디에서의 예시는 너무 상황을 급진적으로 이어나가셨고 두 번째 예시는 주제와 연관 성이 없는 예시를 사용하엿습니다. 따라서 예시를 서술하실 때 좀 더 그전에 설명되었던 구체적의 설명을 서포트 해줄 수 있는 예시를 사용하시는 것이 더 좋은 점수를 받는데 도움이 될 거 같습니다. 첨삭 한 것으로 보면 문법적인 문제들이 있는데 보고 참고하시길 바랍니다. 수고하셨습니다.