▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that mobile phones have taken away freedom from people. However, in my opinion, mobile phones have offered people more freedom. This is because people can get a lot of information quickly and communicate with others very easily through cell phones. ^ To begin with, mobile phones have given people more freedom because mobile phones make people earn a lot of information quickly. To be specific, we can obtain all the information that we need without spending much time through mobile phones. People usually went to library to get resources before, but now there are many applications that are avaliable on mobile phones. It is really easy to set up those applications and they are very useful for looking for various information. (반복적) Moreover, we can access on Internet easily on cell phones, which means we can find almost all the resources that we need through mobile phones. According to a survey by Gallup, over 80 percent of people reported that they got information through their cell phones. ^ On top of that, mobile phones have given people more freedom because mobile phones let people communicate with others very easily. To illustrate, people can make a phone call everywhere conveniently, which is totally contrasts with past time when they had to call through their home or pay phones. Moreover, mobile phones make it easier for people to socialize with others who live abroad. In other words, we can contact to people them by many ways via on mobile phones such as text message and communicative applications. For instance, I often conveniently communicate with some friends who live abroad through mobile phones, which makes me broaden my perspectives and learn different cultures from them. (freedom과 더 연결시켜주세요. ) ^ To sum up, mobile phones have provided people with more freedom because it is possible for us to gather a lot of information quickly and communicate with others very easily. In this regard, I firmly believe that mobile phones are very useful tools that helped us to have more freedom.
Fair(17-23)
문법과 문장력은 괜찮습니다. 내용면에서 반복되는 내용이 많이 나오고 불필요한 내용이 있습니다. 본문의 첫째 주제문에서는 좀더 강하게 토픽과 연결시켜서 말해주는 것이 글의 설득력을 더 높입니다. 부연설명으로 같은 내용은 반복적으로 쓰지 마시고 예시부분을 더 보충해주세요. 첫번째 본문과 두번째 본문 다 예시가 한문장 입니다. 좀더 길고 자세하게, 두 세문장은 되도록 해주세요. 또한, 두가지 예시 모두 왜/어떻게 mobile phone이 freedom을 줬는지 서술되어있지 않습니다. get information/ communicate with people abroad를 함으로써 어떻게 freedom을 얻었는지 서술해주셔야 주제에 부합하는 논지가 됩니다. 수고하셨습니다~
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