▶ Your Answer : Some people argues that learning from people who have knowledge and experiences as much as they you do is better than leaning from people who have more knowledge and experiences. However, in my opinion, it is better to learn from people who are more experienced than me. I will explain with two reasons.
To begin with, I think examples are really crucial factors in a learning process and because people at higher level are usually more experienced usually, so they can be good examples. Through their examples, we can see how to accomplish some tasks. Since we can see how it is done and know the result that comes from it, there are not much risks about making mistakes. On the other hand, if there is no one,^who has more experience than others and who can supervise, it increases the possibilities of making mistakes or accidents. Therefore, following the examples from people at the higher level is safer than learning from people at the same level.
Second, it It is much faster to learn from people at higher level than people at the same level. To explain, teachers and supervisors are the people who already have experiences in many situations that helped them be at that level. Therefore, if If we listen to their advice, we can learn how to cope with a certain situation right away without learning through our own strugglings efforts and making mistakes which takes a lot of times. From my experience, when I had a question about a math problem and asked my friend to help me out, he did not know either. So it took us a long time to figure out ourselves. On the other hand, when I had another question and asked my teacher to teach me, I was able to learn how to solve it really quickly. This is because my teacher already experienced the situation and kneow how to solve it.
To sum up, people at higher level have more experiences and knowledge that can help us learn quickly and safely. In this regard, I strongly disagree with the idea that learning from the people at the same level is better than the people at the higher level.
Fair (20-23)
문법 실수, 대소문자 실수가 많으십니다. 연습해주세요. 또한, 글에서 we, you 보다는 people, they 같은 표현이 좀더 객관성을 띕니다. 두번째 본문에서 efforts는 긍정적인 표현이니 strugglings로 바꾸시는 것이 좀더 수고를 들이지 않고 배울 수 있다에 가까울 것 같습니다. 내용면에서, 첫번째 본문은 근거와 주장을 나열하는 방식으로 진행하셨습니다. 객관적인 예시를 한 개 들어주는 것이 더 안전한 방법이고 더 설득력을 줄 수 있습니다. 두번째 본문에서 personal experience를 하셨는데 본문 둘 다에 객관적 예시가 없는 상황에서 하시면 글의 설득력이 높아지지 않습니다. 하나 이상에서 객관적 통계나 예시를 들어주세요. 수고하셨습니다~
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