There are some people who believe that people should face on their own problems without government assistance. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. Government should give aids to people who suffer from innate disease as well as people who are suddenly attacked from natural disaster.
First, disabled people should receive the constant assistance from government. Commonly, they undergo lots of problems in their life. These problems are is not easy to solve for themselves because of limited financial house economic situation. Let me explain my personal story as an example. My brother named Jacobson did not have a pair of legs for the first time when ever since he was born. Our attention was always dependent on him as he could not do anything without a family'`s help. So, it is not easy for family members to concentrate on their jobs over time. Finally, we spent on a lot of money for his cure. That time when he was 8 years old, the Korean government offered a free education assistance system for him. He took a shuttle bus and got the regular education process with volunteer for free ?. If the government did not have given the free education service for my brother, our family might have been suffered from serious problems.
On top of that, people who are attacked from sudden natural disaster should receive the assistance from government. We have been experienced a number of natural disaster such as typhoon, hurricane, and flood. We cannot forecast these types of disaster and geot the serious damages from them. Let me explain my personal story as an example. When I was a high school student, we lived in a rural area that located in front of a the mountain. We always felt fresh air and saw great natural scenery every day. However, in the summer time, we were often affected by landslide and flood. They were It was really terrible and unexpected event. Nevertheless, we live in there until now because the government has ve offered adequate assistance immediately after the disaster.
In conclusion, people who especially suffer from innate disease and attacked from natural disaster need to government'`s help because these problems were was not easy to manage for themselves. In this regard, I think that government should manage to deal with personal problems.
Fair (20-21)
문법 실수 많으십니다.
서론에서 공격을 받은 사람들-이므로 수동태로 써주셔야 합니다.
단/복수 주어에 따른 동사 변화 오류 많습니다. 연습해주세요.
house economic 보다는 그냥 financial 로 하시는 것이 더 매끄러운 표현입니다.
태어났을 때부터-라는 표현은 from the time he was born 혹은, ever since he was born 으로 해주세요.
첫 본문 끝에서 두번째 문장에서 with volunteer for free 부분의 의미가 모호합니다. 풀어서 설명해주시던지 삭제해주세요.
두번째 본문도 수동태, 단/복수 형태 오류 유의해주세요.
둘다 설명과 예시는 괜찮지만 두 본문 다 personal experience 인 것이 아쉽네요. 한 개 이상은 인물/사건/역사/통계 등등 좀더 객관적인 예시를 드셔야 설득력이 높아집니다.
수고하셨습니다~