▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that money spent on pets is
not worthy. However, I disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent
reasons. First, this can satisfy people who spend money on pets.
Second, this eventually leads to economic growth.
To begin with, people can be
happy when they spend money that they earned on what they want to spend on.
Those who invest their money in pets do this because just they are happy by
spending money for pets. People who spend money on their pets should not be disregarded since it is a matter of individual rights. It should not be allowed people who spend money in pets
are disregarded merely because they spend money for pets, since it is right of
individuals. To be specific, I have a pet and my whole family naturally have
spent money for her. My father gave her clothes and my mother bought food for her.
They don’t feel this is a waste of money because they feel happy by doing so.
On top of that, using money
on pets stimulates economic growth. There are many companies that sell stuffs
for pets, such as food, washing tools, and things for playing. These companies
can survive within the market, only when there is continuous demand. According
to the study conducted by Company Survey Association, business related with
pets have accounted for more than 5 percent in the whole market in Korea. The
results can be definitely compared to the same study of 10 years ago that business
for pets had accounted for less than 1 percent in the whole market. This reflects
the fact that pet business has rapidly increased and has become more influential on
economy.
To sum up, spending money in
pets makes people feel satisfied and leads to economic growth. In this regard, I
strongly believe that people use money well when they use it for pets.
Good (24) 첫번째 본문에서 줄 친 문장의 의미가 그대로는 잘 전달되지 않습니다. 문장을 쪼개셔서 좀더 간결하게 표현하시거나 빨갛게 바꾸어진 표현으로 써주세요. 또한, individual rights를 언급하셨는데, happiness와 연결을 더 유기적으로 시켜야주셔야 글의 설득력이 높아집니다. 두번째 본문 괜찮습니다. 수고하셨습니다~
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