Some people think that the school has to
spend money on social activities in order to attract good students while others
do not think this way. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that it is
not necessary to invest money on social activities. This is because social
activities are not the only one factor when considering schools and the schools
need to use their budget on the other vital things wisely.
To begin with, spending money on social
activities does not help in appealing to great students because of other important
factors. When students consider which school to enter the school, they also think of other
crucial things such as faculty or distance from their home. For example, when I
was young, I had to decide to go to a which school near my town. One of the schools was
well known with its as excellent social activities such as fancy field trips, festivals
and outdoor activities, but it did not have had not famous faculty. However, that school was
too far from my house so my parents did not allow me to choose the school. Also, I
wanted to go to a school with professional faculty. As a result, I did not go to the
school having magnificent social activities. This example demonstrates that the investment
on social activities cannot be the way to appeal good students.
On top of that, schools need to use their
budget on other things which are conducive to student's' study. Schools with
good environment for students enable them to allure more students. For instance,
a school in my hometown initiated to spend money on building to increase new
classroom and facilities since they sought to give good conditions to students.
They also focused on promoting on their schools in order to make them know their school.
After a few years, the school became the most famous school that all students
wanted to enter in this area. Because they tried to offer more
proper environment for students as well as promote their name of the school,
many students got to know and had more attention to that school. This implies
that with better environments, schools are able to obtain excellent students.
To sum up, I strongly believe that the
schools do not have to invest money on social activities to gain superior students
for the reasons I mentioned above. All in all, the schools should put other things in
the first place in order to draw outstanding students.
Good (24–26)
문법 실수가 많으시네요.
빨갛게 고친 부분들 유의해주세요. 표현 면에서 더 매끄럽게 고친것 + 문법입니다.
두 본문 다 예시 좋으신데 둘 다 personal experience라서 좀 아쉽네요. 하나 이상은 인물/사건/통계/역사 등등 좀더 객관적인 예시를 드시면 설득력이 더 올라갑니다.
두번째 본문에서 이유가 study environment + promotion 입니다. 본문의 주제문에서 study를 강조하셨으니 environment만 얘기하는 것이 더 명확성을 높일 것 같네요. 혹은, promotion 언급 횟수를 1회 정도로 줄여주세요.
수고하셨습니다~