▶ Your Answer : Some people thinks that government should reduce its spending in science researchinng or art. However, my thought^is diefferent. I think that they should decrease the budget of park and public gardens. There are two reasons why I think about that way. the Oone reason is that park and garden are not helpful for economic development, and the other reason is that people do not disagree with of this policy that much. First of all,^funding to park and public garden is not a very effective way that rises up the economic progress. Otherwise, iIn the part of arts, there are so many things that can to make a lot of money. This is because everything was made by arts. (문단 중간에 띄지 마세요) Imagine your posssesion such as a pencil^case, cell phone, and so on. Aall things have its own design. Thus, artists are necessary for national profits. Then, you should also think about scientific research. My country, Republic of Korea, there has few nature resources, so we must have human resource. Thus, we fund for our science research to get a lot of human resourece that makes lots of money.^All things considered, the nation can retrieve their economy by funding to arts and science industry. However, development of parks and gardens is so ambigious. This means that reducing spending of this is are a wise choice for governments that suffer from an economic crisis.
On top of that, many people think that the parks and public gardens are so important that much ?.^Even some people think that it is sufficient. This is because It is not directly related to people's lives. However, iIn the subject of art and science have s significant relationship with human. Think about poor artists. They are really want financial support, so they look for patron for their art work. By the way,If government reduces the budget of art that was originally not sufficient, the poor artists cannot survive. In a the scientific study, scientific researchers need huge amounnt of money. Therefore, they are also tioght on budget. According to statics, to complete one study of scientific topic, such as biology, astronomy, and so on, they need 3^billion dollars on average. Thus, reducing fund of this part is actually impossible. To sum up, rReducing consumption of the part of parks and public s garden is a wiser idea than what?.
Limited/ Fair (14-18)
스펠링 오류와 대소문자 오류 너무 많으시네요. 유의해주세요. 갯수가 많으면 많은 감점의 요인이 됩니다. 스펠링 정확하게 쓰는 연습해주시고, 문장 시작은 대문자, 문장 중간에는 소문자 지켜주세요.
첫번째 본문에서 arts가 왜 national profits에 도움을 주는지에 대해 설득력이 부족합니다. 디자인이 어떻게 이윤 창출에 도움을 주는지 더 자세히 써주세요. 또한, human resource와 science research가 어떤 연관인지 더 자세히 써주세요. 여기 나온 정도로는 너무 모호합니다.
두번째 본문 첫번째 문장의 의도를 알 수 없습니다. poor artists가 왜 people's lives와 연관이 있는지 설명해주세요. 또한, look for patron인데 government가 patron의 역할을 하는 것에 대한 설명을 써주세요. 또한, scientific study에서 돈이 많이 필요해서 on tight budget은 인과관계가 없습니다. 이유를 설명해주셔야 합니다.
의도하시는 이유들은 괜찮은데 설명이 너무 부족해서 글이 모호하네요. 또한, 문법, 스펠링, 대소문자 오류가 많으면 글의 흐름이 자꾸 끊기고 의미 전달이 더 힘들어 집니다.
수고하셨습니다~ |