▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that having meals with their families is no significance. However, when they (who?) go off to a college of getting a job, they (who?) leave their home and have a life all on their own. Unfortunately, most of the people are so busy that they eat fast foods or pre-cooked foods, and they drift apart from their families from lack of communication. For these reasons, I agree that people should have meals with their families on a regular basis. in my opinion because having meals with family members is good for health and family relationship.
To begin with, people living nowadays have a little time to cook because they are so overwhelmed with work or they have to handle a lot of semester reports(숙제는 work 안에 포함되므로 생략했습니다. ). Thus, their only choice is to eat fast foods or pre-cooked foods (동의어를 사용하거나 they purchase food that are already cooked 등 home-cooked meal과 반대되는 표현으로 대체해주세요). However, When people have a meal with their family, they eat home-cooked meal that has ample nutrition, which is good for people’s health. (마지막에 작성된 문장이 오히려 핵심 이유인 '건강에 좋다는 부분'을 강조하기 때문에 마지막에서 중간으로 옮겨왔습니다.) For example, a few years ago, my sister got a job in another city from our home, so that she had to live alone. Since she had to handle many numbers of tasks in the office, she always felt tired and have no remained time to cooking dishes. So, she got by with fast food every day and gained weight as a result. However, when she came back to home in order to find another job, she was able to eat healthy homemade food and lose weight. On top of that, each family member can keep up with one another's life. As having meals with family members on a daily basis, people can make a chance to communicate ion with their families and, consequently, it enables people to get close to their families emotionally. For instance, my family always meets up on Sundays for dinner. Since all of my family members are busy, it was hard to set everyone’s schedule around the occasion, but we ultimately became closer to one another by sharing out a week and giving moral support during Sunday dinner. Thus, by making a time for dinner with family members on regular basis, we can keep up with one another. (문장의 순서를 바꾸어 '식사를 함께 함으로서 서로와 더 가까워질 수 있다'는 표현을 부각했습니다.) To sum up, eating with one’s family periodically is indispensable for his or her her(or his) healthy eating habits and a good family relationship. In this regard, I believe that having meals with family members on regular basis will help people physically and emotionally.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
1. 주장과 이유가 일관되어 있습니다. 2. 일부 문장의 순서 배치에 유의하며 내용의 강약 조절에 신경써야 합니다. 3. Introduction에서 When people ~, they 로 작성하는 것이 좋으며 처음부터 they로 쓸 경우 구체적인 문장이라고 보기 조금 어렵습니다. |