▶ Your Answer :
These days, some people take
it for granted that universities should spend more money on salaries for
professors in order to improve the quality of education. However, contrary to
this idea, I strongly believe that universities should not invest more money on
financial supports for university professors. The rationale behind this is that
universities should spend more money on entertainment fields and invest money
on scholarships for university students. (Good!)
First of all, entertainment elements
on universities plays an important role in relieving stress of students. This is
mainly because, By enjoying interesting activities such as music band
activities, rock climbing, and basketball club, people can easily and quickly
escape from boring and harsh school life. However, wWhen people study every day
without these leisure activities, they can be sick and tired of it. This stresses them
out. What is worse, stress is one of primary factors of illnesses through
weakening the immune system. (주장을 뒷받침하는 이유와 크게 연관된 문장은 아닙니다.) Thus, people are more likely to become mentally and
physically weak when they study without time to relieve their stress out. studies every day. According to research of Seoul National
University in 2011, two groups of students were experimented experienced about on the rate of getting stress.
Students of group A played a soccer game every weekend, and other students of
group B did not enjoy any leisure activities. This experience showed a big difference
on academic achievement and rate of getting stress. Grades of students of group
A did not get any stress, and their academic achievement improved increased about ten percent compared to before. experience experiment while On the contrary, the rate of stress in students of group B increased about
twenty-five percent and it causes disturbed these students' academic abilities a lot.
On top of that, universities
should provide more scholarships to students for improving their enhancing
their academic growth. An important reason is that nowadays most students have
loads of work because they are responsible to their living, getting a job, and financial
problems. As a result, they can’t cannot concentrate on their studies only and do a part-time
job at the same time. This is because I think Universities should provide more
money on scholarships for university students in order to improve the quality
of these students' lives. education. From my experience, when I was a sophomore, I attended a school
and had a part-time job in French restaurant at the same time. At first, I was
good to make money was able to earn money and meet various people who have different cultures, nationality,
and dialects. However, against all expectations, I just got tired that I and could not
concentrate on my studies. Eventually, I got a low grades that I have never gotten
before. After that examination result, I quoted stopped working in a French restaurant and studied
hard to get a scholarship. Finally, I got higher grades than before and obtained a
scholarship as the second grade. Were it not for getting scholarships, I would
have more adverse mental effects from financial problems. I did no longer need to worry about my grades and financial problems due to my scholarship. Scholarship allowed me to find answer for both issues; making certain academic achievements and earning money to pay for tuition.
In conclusion, without any doubt, I firmly believe that universities should spend more money on
scholarships for students. School funding students' entertainment activities and scholarship enable students them to maintain
mental health and to improve their academic achievements.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30) 1. 결론에서 주장에 대한 이유를 포괄적으로 모아주어야 합니다. 2. 일부 문법실수 (I just tired --> I got tired 등) 주의해야 합니다. 3. 이유와 예시 간 조금 더 구체적인 연결이 필요합니다.
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