▶ Your Answer :
A large number of people might argue that peers
are able to give advice more effectively than older adults. Contrary to this popular
belief, I think that getting advice from the elder is better than getting advice
from peers for the following reasons: elders have a variety of experience
compared to our younger generations and they are able to afford practical aids based on
their deep knowledge.
First
of all, I believe that older adults can understand better about the issues
which are needed to consultations. This is because they have experienced diverse
situations in life and it might had made them agonize and deal with their
issues like us (여기에서 it이 무엇을 받았는지 알기 어렵고 전체적으로 이 부분은 정확히 무슨 뜻인지 의미 파악이 어렵습니다). Consequently, they would have so have a broader perspective (on what?) than peers
so it which makes them provide a much better valid advice for us. For example, I often talk about
my troubles with my grandfather. When I was a high school student, I had a the difficulty
determining my future after graduation. At that time, I wanted to study something that I was interested in more
about my interest but my parents pressured to me for getting to get a job. Fortunately,
my grandfather understood my situations and persuaded my parents by using based on his experience when he entered his university. (어떻게 이 경험을 가지고 부모를 설득했는지 이해하기가 어렵습니다, 설명이 더 필요해보입니다)
Moreover,
older adults can provide practical helps based on their knowledge and
experiences. What I mean is that if we talk about somewhat serious problems like
unemployment or future plans after graduation with friends, we would only be comforted by them might be possible
to obtain just friends’ concerning or cheering. On the other hand, older adults
can introduce real person people who is are working in the same field that I we want to
enter. Also, they are able to give an effective information about our concerns
since they would have had diverse knowledge and a relationship of huge social network with people.
In
conclusion, I firmly believe that the advantages of getting advice from older
people far outweigh those of receiving one from peers for the reasons I have
mentioned above. All in all, we should realize that the importance of learning
from older adults.
Score: Limited (1-16), Fair (17-23), Good (24–30) Comments: - 들여쓰기랑 엔터 스페이싱 두 개 다 하고 계십니다. 둘 중 한가지 방법만 선택해주세요. - 본론들이 서로 조금 비슷한 것 같아요. 둘의 차이가 좀 더 명확하게 해주시고 본론1은 전체적으로 내용이 모호한 편이니 수정해주시는 것이 좋겠습니다. understand better 라는 표현이 너무 넓은 뜻을 담고 있고 이후에 나오는 내용에서는 이 topic sentence를 제대로 서포팅해주고 있지 않고 있어요. 나아가 예시에서도 어떻게 할아버지께서 도움을 줬다는 것인지 정확히 알 수 없습니다. - 본론1, 본론2 둘 다 마무리 문장을 추가하시는 것을 추천합니다. 주제와 제시하신 이유를 한번 더 연결해주는 문장을 넣어주세요. - 어색한 표현들이 있습니다.
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