▶ Your Answer : Opinions may be divided over whether people living in the countryside live a happier life. We cannot deny the fact that a city has a wide variety of positive factors. Personally, therefore, I agree that living in the city helps people to manage time aptly and enhance academinc achievement of their children son. To begin with, people who live in the city can manage their time properly; they utilize the extra time to do various activities. Everyone is aware that a city has remarkable technologies for dwellers such as a transportation system and convenient applications. People can know how to manage time and will thus utilize their extra time efficiently. In addition, people are usually so busy that it is chief to manage time correctly. If you waste time transferring to other vehicles or using slow archaic machines, will time wait for you? The answer will be no. In the modern society where we lived in, time is gold. Since we cannot turn time back, we must live in the city with cutting edge technologies. Furthermore, it can enable us to do other fascinating activities as making the best use of their extra time. For example, in my case, I had lived in the countryside for 19 years before becoming a university student. At the time, transportation system in my town was very inconvenient. Also, there was no place to enjoy. Therefore, I could not do any fun activities such as watching a movie in a theater, going to a concert and a cafe' for relieving my stress. However, after moving to the Seoul, I realized that there are a lot of things to spend time and go around. Even I can go everywhere within 2 hours with a low-cost. As a result, I found find out various means how to relieve my stress with varied means.
On top of that, students living in the city are easier to enhance their academic achievements; it leads them to succeed. This is because they can be readily exposed exposure to an academic mood. A big city has higher education systems such as private schools, tutors. Also, there are a lot of ingenious students who can create positive mood in schools. Hence, students who live in a the big city are prone to have take deep knowledge. I believe it is required for students to have deep knowledge for their success. A person with sufficient knowledge is regarded as 'a person of intelligence' in this world, while others who lack knowledge are simply ignored. Consequently, a competent person has higher likelihood of success; a successful life can result in a person's happiness. For instance, a study was conducted by The board of Korean education to determine whether urban areas could affect students' academic performance. There were two groups monitored. The first group was formed of people who lived in urban areas. The other group consisted of students living in rural areas. They were asked to take tests to measure their level of academic achievement. According to the result, the former group was able to earn higher grade than the latter group. The reason was that they had a lot of information regarding studying. Another reason was that they were inclined to take many private schools as other peers. This study demonstrates that living areas can have an impact on their accomplishments.
Taking Hhaving various experience and enhancing students' their academic performance into the consideration, I firmly hold that people living in urban areas are is far happier for the reasons that I (aforementioned) mentioned above.
쓰다보면.. 제가 단조롭게 쓰는게 많은데 조금 잘써보이는듯한 표현도 같이 알려주시면 정말 감사하겠습니다!
Fair/Good (22-25)
불필요하게 반복된 내용/ 주장과 관련없는 내용이 많이 들어가 있습니다. 줄쳐서 뺀것 이외에도 설명 부분에서 너무 길어지는 경향이 있습니다. 간결하지만 필요한 내용은 다 들어가 있도록 하는 연습해주세요.
마지막에 mentioned above 대신에 쓸 수 있는 aforementioned 알려드렸습니다. 잘 써보이는 표현보다는 지금은 문법과 내용에 더 신경쓰셔야 할 것 같습니다. 또한, 지금의 문장도 크게 단조롭지 않습니다.
수고하셨습니다~
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