▶ Your Answer :Some people might say that today's young people do not get involved in the crucial decisions that influence how society will change in the future. However, I strongly believe that the more young people are trying to participate participating in the crucial decisions of the society, specifically in South Korea. This is because more young people are voting than in the past and they can affect in society by using social network service. ^ Firstly, a lot of younger people in South Korea vote to elect a better president for them. To be specific, today's younger people in South Korea want to change their society because they think that older people made the country go into prevail absurdity, and younger people are the ones who they need to live in the country for their entire life. Therefore, more and more young people are voting to elect the president who they want. According to the survey from the University of Korea, it is proved that turnout of younger people in South Korea is getting higher than before. In the last election of a president in South Korea, approximately little more than half of younger people voted. However, many people are presuming that about 80 % of younger people will vote for this president election and many younger people said that they would vote for this election. Thus, younger people are ardently getting involved in the society. ^ Secondly, many young generations, in South Korea, affect on their society by using SNS. The development of SNS led many people to be readily aware of many issues happening in their society. If people find some corruption of politicians, they quickly share the incidents on SNS. Thus, many individuals who are using SNS can easily can access to the issue, and it disables makes politicians cannot to commit corruption easily since they will be afraid of the people' surveillance. For example, nobody expected that impeachment of President in South Korea would occur. However, some young people found that president Park was involved in an enormous bribery case, and they shared it on SNS. More than more people got to know about the corruption of the president by checking SNS, and more incidents suspicion of Park was undisclosed. Eventually, President Park was impeached, and it occurred, partially, because of SNS. If there were no SNS and users, who are mostly young people, the corruption of President could not be disclosed. ^ In conclusion, I strongly believe that young people are affecting in this society based on the examples of South Korea. This is because more and more young people are balloting compared to the past and they can affect on this society by using SNS.
Good (24–30)
문법 많이 연습해주세요. 내용은 괜찮은데 두 본문 다 한국의 예를 드는 것 보다는 다른 나라나 아예 다른 예를 섞어서 드시면 더 설득력이 높아질 것 같습니다. 그것외에는 주장과 그에 따른 근거가 잘 서술되었습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |