▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that moving to a new city or country is not a good idea because we will lose our old friends. However, in my opinion, moving to a new city or country has a lot of benefits. This is because we can make new friends there and have valuable experiences at a new environment. ^ To begin with, moving to a new place it is a perfect opportunity to make new friends. To be specific, we just know some old friends if we stay continually in only one place, but we can socialize with new people in a new city or country. Research conducted by Mary Lee Moore, a the director of the Gallup, illustrates this point. Over eighty percent of college students who left their home states and moved to a new city reported that they made many new friends and it led them to have positive energy and sense of excitement. In addition, they actually recommended that we should leave for a new place, if we have a chanc e. ^ On top of that, we can experience new things at a new surroundings. New environment provides us with new place, people, and activities. They let us broaden our perspectives toward the world and learn valuable lessons. For instance, I lived my home state for about twenty years and left for Seoul at five years ago. I could make many new friends at my new work and churches and enjoyed diverse leisure activities. To illustrate, I went to go to many new places such as museums, galleries, and historical spots when I had some free time. It relieved my stress and changed my views about the world. ^ To sum up, moving to a new city or country can offer opportunities to meet diverse new people and experiences of new world that we have never knew before. In this regard, I strongly believe that moving to a new place is good for making our lives better.
Fair (20-23)
글자 수가 적습니다. minimum 300 맞춰주세요. 첫본문과 두번째 본문의 내용이 상당 부분 겹칩니다. new friends/ new friends& new experiences 입니다. 좀더 상이하게 해주셔야 설득력이 높아집니다.
문단과 문단 사이는 한 칸 띄어주시면 좋습니다. 첫 본문 마지막에 chance같은 실수는 proofreading을 통해서 줄여주세요.
표현과 문법면에서는 나쁘지 않습니다. 좀더 다양한 문장과 어휘를 연습해주세요. 글자 수와 내용상 겹치는 부분때문에 Fair 드렸습니다. 이 부분만 연습하시면 다음에 많이 올라가실 것 같아요.
수고하셨습니다~
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