▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether
working together well with other people is much more important today than it
was in the past. This is an intriguing question because there are different
opinions relying on individual perspectives. In my opinion, I agree with the
statement for the following reasons. First of all, cooperating better with any kinds of people is needed especially today because it can broaden our perspectives. To
be specific, getting along well with others allows people to expansion their
views. In this increasingly global world, broadening perspectives not only is the
basis of open minded with any kinds of people and but also helps us to get social,
interpersonal and communication skills. To illustrate, Steve Jobs, who is the
founder of Apple, made great accomplishments in his lifetime. I read online
that he was able to success to cooperating with his global company's members.
He did this by networking with others and meeting many people. Hence, this
shows that networking and working well with others is more important in this
global society to broaden perspectives than it was in the past.
In addition, cooperating in today's society
is increasingly important because it can help people succeed success. In other words,
people who have ability to spend great time with any others have much more
opportunities to success. (Make it clear) Success is far more emphasized in modern society than
in the past and this society needs a person who has both adaption and
friendship mind. For instance, according to the study done by the Dongguk
University in Korea in 2000, it revealed that group members who cooperated well with
children were eventually more successful in their lives. The study indicated that
there were two groups, the first one had more cooperative and friendly friednship people
and the second one had less. The first group had greater time with children and
they had much successful accomplishments after ten years. Therefore, this
proves that adapting and cooperating well is necessary to success in modern
society.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that
cooperating with others is more important today than in the past. All things
considered, it is my belief that my opinion regarding this topic has been
effectively and perfectly delivered with the reasons mentioned above.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 3 | Score | Fair 18-21 | 두 번째 예시는 with children보다는 with people of different ages 로 잡아주시는 것이 좋구요. 보다 강력한 근거를 보여주셔야합니다. 주장밖에 나열되어 있지 않네요. 무엇보다도 스펠링 에러에 특히 주의해주셔야 합니다.
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