▶ Your Answer :
Freedom plays a significant role in people's lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people think freedom can be limited while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their ideas. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that under certain circumstances people's freedom can be restricted. ^ To begin with, unlimited freedom can make a society into chaos. When a person acts on his or her will, there is a possibility that it will harm the other people's free will. This is likely to lead the society to a big disorder. For example, playing music is one of people's normal freedom. Hhowever, when people play a loud music in the middle of the night, it can interfere with their neighbor's hope to have a good and silent night's sleep. Thus, to guarantee many people's deep sleep and avoid conflicts between neighbors, the society hasve to make a certain regulation not to make a loud sound after 11 pm. If there is no rule and no limitation in one's freedom, the society will be very confusing. ^ On top of that, limited freedom improves the economic efficiency in a workplace. When people work according to a common rule, they can cooperate easily because they work at the same time, at the same place and follow certain orders. This leads to an increase in profits of the company with short working hours. For instance, according to a research conducted by Harvard University, the researchers found a huge difference in two groups of companies. The first group consisted of those which allowed their employees to commute at any time when they wish, and the other group was composed of those which made their workers to be on time. The researchers found that the second group was more likely to have a higher profit with less cost than the first group. In particular, the workers of the second group was better at group work co-work, dividing their thier things-to-do, and a shorter time to finish a task. This shows that limiting people's freedom of when to come to their thier workplaces helped the company perform better. ^ To sum up, regulated freedom can keep a society in order and provide a greater wealth to the country. In this regard, I firmly believe that people's freedom can be partially restrained.
Good (24-25) 대소문자 실수와 스펠링 실수가 많습니다. 쓰실 때 유의하시고 proofreading을 통해서도 잡아주는 연습해주세요.
내용이 괜찮지만 좀더 명확히 써주세요. 또한, 결론에서 a greater wealth to the country 는 비약적인 표현이므로 a greater wealth to the company정도로 써주세요. 예시가 부가 설명에 비해 너무 깁니다. 근거에 대한 부연 설명과 예시를 좀더 균형있게 써주세요.
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