It has been widely debated whether television shows should be intended to be educational. I personally disagree with the claim that only television programs with educational purposes should be made. I believe that television shows that can entertain need to be considered to be more crucial for people's lives than those with educational pursuit. The first reason is that entertaining television programs can relieve the stress of people. The second reason is that already there are so many educational materials that people can use instead of the television.
To begin with, television shows with the focus on entertainment have the effect of reducing people's stress. This is because entertaining programs usually contain funny things that give people a big smile, effectively relieving the strain of people caused by their works or study from work and school. Skeptics of my main line of argument may argue that my reason does not sound a reasonable position. Nonetheless, to their dismay, there exists an abundance of examples that substantiate my claim. For instance, the (이 부분은 왜 필요한가요? 문단에서 하는 역할이 무엇인가요?) A research which was conducted by famous professors of the national university of South Korea shows that physiologically, laughing while watching television is very helpful for people to continue to live enthusiastically since it gives rise to physical phenomenon of releasing the enzyme that makes people happy and to think optimistic. (이 문장 너무 깁니다. 좀 더 쪼개보세요.) the Most of subjects of the research getting felt happier than before after the experiment owing to the entertaining television programs used there for causing laugh. Also, one of my friends are always stressful now because of his television with educational shows. There was a mechanical problem in his television channel device so television programs that he only can watch through his television is are education shows such as lectures or quiz shows. So he got furious because of education programs further adding adds academical burden to him when he is very distressed due to his demanding study materials.
Furthermore, there are so many resources with regard to education in our lives that the television programs do not need to involve scholarly materials. Let me tell you the kind of methods that you can use for education. The internet, radio programs with academical topic, the newspapers, the classes in schools, the lectures in private institutes, and so on. (명사구로 끝내지 말고 완성된 문장을 쓰세요.) As you see, there are so many educational opportunities that people do not need to expect television shows to have an educational purpose. For example, all of my family turn on the television only for entertaining purpose since they always rely upon other methods for study like me watching online lectures through with my computer and attending courses in college.
To sum up, entertainment television shows are more desirable for people than educational shows. First, it can reduce the strain of people. Second, there are already so many educational methods in our lives.
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair (23-24)
전반적으로 문법 면에서 크게 틀린 부분은 없습니다. 하지만 어색한 표현이 많아서 본문에 수정을 했으니 참고하세요. 특히 명사의 단/복수와 관사의 활용에 신경쓰세요.