No
matter whether we do notice or not, we encounter countless advertisements and
we are constantly influenced by them every day. And this is true not only for
adults but also for children. These days, children as well as adults like to
watch televisions and therefore it can be said that it is a favorable situation for companies to tout their products
eagerly. So some people predicate that there is no reason to forbid
advertisements which are targeting children even under the age of five.
However, in my opinion, companies should not be permitted to advertise to
children. (인트로 매우 좋습니다. 철자 오류만 조심해 주세요. Favourable – favorable)
To
begin with, children are incapable of thinking rationally yet. To
be specific, companies can hide some problems in their products by presenting
what children love, such as famous entertainers. And if those products are
snacks or beverages, serious health problems can occur.
be occured. But children do not know exactly what products are
made up of and whether the products have toxic chemicals. So children
may have interests on advertised products and buy those products
without rational thinking. This can weaken children's health.
In
addition, advertisements for children can bring about materialism to them. It
is definitely true that money is important in modern society. However, this
does not mean that money is more (비교를 하실 땐 more을 넣어주셔야 합니다) important
than any other precious things. There are still a lot of precious values such
as family, friendship, love or else. But if children are exposed to
advertisements that can precipitate materialism, children can be seduced and
may be willing to have products. This can lead
children to materialism, and they might think that money is the most important
value to get things (물건을 얻으려면 돈이 가장 중요한 건 맞으니, to get things를 지워주세요). And it cannot be said that this situation is good for
children's psychological development.
To
encapsulate, as children are not fully developed yet, they are not able
to consider whether to buy or not rationally,
and they can be influenced by materialism which is not good for their
psychological development. So I firmly believe that companies should not be
allowed to advertise to children.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Good (24-30) |
Score |
27 |
Overall
Comment: |
잘 쓰셨어요. 글의 포인트를 잘
잡아주셨고, 논리적으로 설명을 잘 해주셨습니다. 근거도 매우 탄탄해요. 철자 오류만 더 신경을 써주시면 더 좋은 글을 쓰실 수 있을 것
같습니다. |
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