▶ Your Answer : Undoubtely, Undoubtedly it is very important for people
to have time to relax with hobbies or physical activities in their lives. Some
people might think that those hobbies or physical activities should be
different from what they do in their work, while others do not think differently. Both sides have
their own reasons to support their view. If I had to choose one, I would say
that having different types of hobbies or physical activities from their work
benefit benefits people more than having the same type. There are several reasons and
examples as follows.
First, doing different types of activities
from their work to relax can enable people to have better performance at work.
By trying new activities, people can forget about their stressful work and
escape from their exhausting routine, thus recharge recharging their batteries. When
feeling refreshed, people can put more energy into their work, which leads to
more positive work performance leading to better work efficiency. For example, my coworker, John, had had the
poorest sales records for a long time until last year. He used to tell me that
he was sick of meeting new people to sell the products on a daily basis.
However, after he started playing piano alone as a new hobby, he was able to
relieve stress he gained from people and let off some steam. He became more
active and passionate about his work too, which resulted in a rapid increase in
his sales records. If he had not started a new hobby different from his work,
he would not have been able to improve his work performance.
Second, having different hobbies and
activities allows people to widen their perspective. This is because it gives
people more changes to meet people with different interests and backgrounds,
which contrtibute to becoming a more open-minded person. For instance, my
brother who works as a doctor was not very flexible and did not tolerate
differences. However, he joined a volunteer club and was able to meet new people
with diverse interests. Through regular volunteer work, he realized that there
are many people who live very different lives from himself and he has become
more willing to accept different opinions. If he had not joined this club other
than his work, he would not have been able to befriend new people and broaden
his horizons.
All things considered, the advantages of
doing different hobbies and physical activities from work to relax far outweigh
those of doing the same kinds for those reasons I have mentioned above. All in
all, its importance in people’s lives cannot be overestimated. Good; 24~30 점수: 24 일단 첫 번째 바디까지는 아주 매끄럽게 잘 서술하였습니다. 장황하지 않으면서 간결하게 본인이 이 에세이를 통해서 어떠한 말을 하려고 하는 것인지 알 수 있었습니다. 하지만 문제가 된다라고 생각하는 부분은 두 번째 단락입니다. 두 번째 단락에서는 구체적인 설명이 많이 부족한 거 같습니다. 좀 더 두 번째 이유를 서포트 할 수 있는 설명들이 필요 해 보입니다. 이러한 부분들을 숙지하시면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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