▶ Your Answer : Some people think that a job that gives you amount of salary, but not much free time, is better than gives you that of lots of vacation (일단 에세이 형태에 있어서 you를 사용하시면 안됩니다. 이인칭 주어보다는 삼인칭 주어를 사용하여서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다.). This is because, in our present-day, we should earn money to buy products, goods and food, which improve our quality of lives. However, in my opinion, making money a lot is not the essential requisite for living normal life and if a job gives lots of vacation time to me, our lives would be perfect. To begin with, A lot of time that we can take a rest make people feel relax and comfortable. Our brain is constantly working in every moment, even we fall in sleep, but taking a rest make its feel so relax makes people so relaxed that we can work harder after finishing vacation. In scientific terms, it is called stress reduction, which is continues to work efficiency, smooth metabolism. As I mentioned like that, our body are composed of many organs such as guts, heart, lung and brain. One of the most important organ in the body is brain, which control our whole body. By having some vacation from a job, we can concentrate to what we have to do well. better. On top of that, we can develop our skills of hobbies during the vacation. Some people do either join the club or go shopping with their friends, family. It is significant way that can be more socialize and can get some advises from others. As for my experience, When I was taking a part-time job in my aunt’s cafeteria, she had given some vacation to me for refreshing gave me a vacation to refresh. I had cast about for something to do, consequently , found that improving ability of fishing. I went fishing at the reservoir with my father and he said that what I have to do after graduating college and how to treat wisely against people for a long period of times. After applying for my brain, my behavior was gradually changing such as where to go in this moment and how can make other people not upset at the hard situation. A few time was gone, I realized that my mind, behavior were totally changed more wise and socialize by what father had said to me. Like this, getting vacation makes people active, socialize and gets wisdom. To sum up, taking some vacation makes our phychological state stable and socialize us by taking some advises from others. In this regard, Getting some vacation is the best way rather than earning high salary. Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 불필요한 부연설명이 너무 많습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 좋은 점수를 얻기 위해서는 간결하게 본인의 의견을 전달하는 것이 가장 중요한데 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 부분에 있어서 어려움이 보입니다. 에세이를 서술할 때 좀 더 간결하게 본인의 의견을 제시하시길 바랍니다. 또한 두 번째 바디의 예시가 주제를 벗어난 거 같다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 예시를 선정 할 때에 있어 좀 더 이유와 적합한지를 항상 숙지하시면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |