Children should play sports for fun not for competition.
Some people believe that children should play sports for fun because some children can be violent tendency for winning,
while other people think differently. If I were asked to choose, I would say that children have to concentrate on the competition. There are several reasons and example as follows.
To begin with, many people are misunderstanding it, but actually competition is big benefit to children. This is because people move more efficiently and focus on more when they compete. Also, competition is necessary condition to live this society, so they have to acclimatize the competition from children by doing sport. If they do not consider a competition when they play the PE, they cannot reach a high destination of sport. For example, when I was senior of middle school. I had entered in basketball club and I leave(남기다될까요?) final contest of basketball in middle school due to I was a senior, thus I exhausted in this time such as survey of opponent team or practice of my skill. Then the day of contest, I could prevail opponent team because of my faculty and tactic which is made by my investigation. if I did not aim for winning, I couldn't reach this level and could not relish like that time.
On top of that, they can relish more than when they do not consider the winning. What I mean, the reason of what we feel the fun in sport is the thrill of win and this feeling are only applied when competition exists. for instance, according to an experiment of Tokyo University, people enjoy more when they compete. To be specific, Tokyo University divided two group with method, first group had to simply play basketball and second group had to set their goal. Then, the first group seemed so bored and second group looked vigorous, also according to interview, the score of second group's satisfaction exceeded the first group.
Fair: 17~23
점수: 21
일단 결론이 없습니다. 구조적인 측면에 잇어서 독립형 에세이에서는 결론이 꼭 필요합니다. 결론이 있어야 에세이가 마무리가 되기 때문에 결론이 꼭 필요합니다. 또한 너무 장황하게 문장의 끝이 없이 에세이를 서술하였습니다. 좀 더 개연성있게 에세이를 서술하는 것이 더 좋은 점수를 받는데에 있어 더 효과적일꺼 같습니다. 이러한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.