▶ Your Answer :
Some people believe that it is harmful for children to play online games. There are obviously many opinions regarding this topic. It is clear that playing the games is beneficial for children. The concept of stress and career clearly show this theme. First of all, playing computer games allows children to alleviate stress. This is mainly because gaming can help them relax and clear their mind. This bring a new solution to solve perplexing and stressful problems at school. Therefore, playing such games is one of the best and most effective ways to escape from the harsh reality. (Four sentences indicate above actually have same meaning) For example, when I was in high school, one day, I was extremely exhausted and stressed out due to excessive homework every week. So, I called my friends and played a computer game called League of Legend together. While enjoyed the game, I had a brief moment of relief from my stressful schoolwork and could go back to the schoolwork with a lighter mind after the game. This was because we cooperated and cheered for one another to win, and shared the joy of victory In addition, playing online games is helpful for children’s career. (In what aspect?) This is due to the fact that, if they work with others to solve problems in the game, they will develop cooperative skills. As modern society has become increasingly specialized, today’s companies are looking for employees having such qualities. Therefore, these are important to fight for jobs in highly competitive labor markets. For instance, my brother who used to spend time to play computer games rather than to study, is can be the best example of it. When he first started to play the online game, he was a kind of person who is inpatient and stubborn so that it was so hard for him to work with others. However, since he started the online game which was called Overwatch needed close communication with others, he has changed little by little. He tried to listen to others and became more socialized. As the result, amazingly, he could enter the popular Korean Company, Samsung, as a salesman in recognition of his social skills. As he said, the reason he tried to change himself was that he felt need to work with others to win the game. (body 2가 좀 긴감이 있고, samsung이 뜬금없이 나오긴 하는데...이부분은 제외하는게 나을까요?)
In conclusion, it seems to me that it is beneficial for kids to play PC games. The example of stress and employment support the argument.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 3 | Score | Fair 17-20 | - 각 단락의 내용이 긴 편이지만 사실 상 같은 내용을 내포하고 있어, 반복적인 의미를 지속적으로 사용하셨다는 느낌이 강하게 듭니다.
- Alleviate stress 에 관한 내용으로는, 게임으로 스트레스를 충분히 풀 수 있었고, 이 점이 나의 삶에 어떻게 유익하였는지, 설명하여 주시는 것이 좋습니다. - 또한 career에 도움이 된다는 예시는 설득력이 미흡하고, 무엇보다 problems in games가 어떤 것인지 모르겠습니다.
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