▶ Your Answer :
Art and Music were boring subjects for me. Not only myself, but many students in Korea feel in a similar way. High school students in Korea spend their art and music class studying for other subjects which are more important when going to the college In stead of focusing on art and music, Korean high school students spend more time on other subjects which are more important when going to a undergraduate school(위 문장이 어법상으로나 문맥상으로 말이 안되어서 이렇게 고쳐봤습니다 맞는 지 확인해주세요). Although many students neglect the art and music classes in school, I believe that all students should study art and music in secondary school because art and music are good way to relieve students' stress and art and music are closely related to other useful knowledge.
First, learning art and music is good for reducing stress of students. Lots of students nowadays suffer from high pressure of studying. Some of them choose the illegal ways to relieve their stress, such as smoking, drinking alcohols, and so on and drinking alcohols. Therefore, it is an important task of for school to teach students the right way to relieve their stress. Art and music can be the best subject for this purpose. In an art class, we learn how to paint, and draw, or create a figure out of clay. These are something we can do in the home by ourselves. In a music class, I learned some famous, beautiful piece of musics and still I sometimes listen to the musics at leisure time which I learned at my secondary school. These can effectively help students to cultivate sound minds and bodies. 본인의 이 바디의 주제는 음악과 미술을 들으면 스트레쓰를 해소할 수 있다고 하였습니다. 하지만 마지막 문장에서도 보았듯이 effectively help students to cultivate sound라고 하였는데. 이렇게 서술하는 것 보다는 이러한 클라스를 통해 학업 경쟁에 의한 생긴 스트래쓰를 완하할 수 있게 되고 좀 더 집중력을 높이게 되었다등등에대한 설명이 필요할 거 같아요.
Second, what we learn in art and music classes are relevant to other important subjects. For example, when we learn some masterpieces from famous artists, not only we learn the information of the work, but we can also learn the history, science technology, and the underlying motivation of the work. For example, when I learned the Michelangelo's famous work 'The Creation of Adam', I also learned the influence of Catholic Church during the Renaissance period, the effort that Michelangelo put in while painting, the fresco technique which was used to paint on the wall, and so on. Not only they were interesting, but they were also very helpful in history or humanity classes. Since what we learn during the art and music classes are relevant to every subject, it should not be overlooked. 여기서도그렇고 뭔가 핵심이 빠졌다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 미켈란젤로의 작품에서는 의학적 미술적 요소들이 나와있는데. 다른 과목에서도 이러한 부분을 다루더라. 그래서 그 과목에서 미술시간을 배운것을 토대로 잘 배울 수 있게 되었다 등등에 대한 설명이 필요한 거 같아요.
In conclusion, I believe that all students should learn art and music because they can learn the right way of relieving to relieve stress through art and music, and the knowledge we learn in art and music are relevant to every field of studying. Fair: 17~23 점수: 22 제가 참석 해준 것 과 같이 전반적인 바디부분에서 핵심 부분의 설명이 부족 한 거 같습니다. 이러한 요소들 때문에 전체적인 흐름들이 엇갈린듯한 느낌이 들었습니다. 비록 전체적으로 논리적으로 잘 풀어 나갔지만 이러한 부분에서 꼭 본인이 숙지하시고 고치셔야 할 거 같습니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |
|