▶ Your Answer : Some people think that it is better to relax by doing physical exercise. However, I believe that it is better to relax by watching a movie or reading a book. This is because watching a movie or reading a book enables people to relieve stress while doing physical exercise can put them under stress. Relaxing by doing physical exercise can prevent people from enjoying a better quality of life by putting them under stress. In response to the increasing role of doing physical exercise, many expert's opinions and research statistics reinforce the idea that excessive doing physical exercise can put people under stress. For example, in order to stay in shape, I joined a local gym. However, I was already too busy, and having have to carve out an extra thirty minutes to an hour was a real challenge As I was always busy it was a difficult challenge to make time exercise for thirty minutes to a hour.. It demanded a complete change of lifestyle, which increased my stress.This example demonstrates some of the disadvantage of excessive doing physical exercise. 논리적으로 잘 풀어나간 거 같습니다. 하지만 아쉬운 부분은 in response to ~이 문장들을 지우시고 좀 더 이유에 대한 설명을 풀어나가는 것 이 좋았을 거 같습니다. 왜 사람들에게 스트레쓰를 주는지에 대한 설명을 하시고 바로 본인이 겪은 예시로 넘어가 셨던게 좀 더 좋은 에세이였을 거 같습니다. On the other hand, relaxing by watching a movie or reading a book enables people to relieve stress. Understanding the daily environment role of people and the potential role of watching a movie or reading a book is necessary to substantiate this view. Every morning, people have to patiently sit through traffic to get to work. Once they are at work, they have to endure countless documents and continue to read more even at home. Such exhausting routine repeats itself and eventually wears down people. As a way to manage the ensuing stress, people can relax by watching a movie or reading a book that they are interested in after work. Even if it is only for a short time, this frees their minds from intense mental pressure from work. In this regard, watching a movie or reading a book enble people to relieve stress. 두 번째 바디의 이유는 첫 번째 바디와 비슷한 거 같습니다. 둘다 스트레쓰에 중점을 두셨는데. 두 번째 바디는 첫 번째 바디와 다르게 스트레쓰에 중점을 두는 것 보다는 watching movie and reading a book을 통해 얻게 되는 장점들을 서술하시는 것 이 더 좋았을 거 같습니다. 논리적으로 잘 풀어나갔는데 이러한 부분이 아쉬운거 같습니다. To sum up, I believe that it is benefitial to relax by watching a movie or reading a book than doing physical exercise. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 제가 참석하신것을 보신 것과 같이, 비록 논리적으로 잘 풀어 나갔지만 첫 번째 와 두 번째 이유가 겹칩니다. 똑같은 주제에 대한 해석을 다른 시각으로 풀어 서 서술하신것 이기 때문에 이렇게 서술하는 것 보다는 서로 다른 이유를 서술하시는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 이부분이외에는 문제되는 것이 없습니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |