▶ Your Answer : Some people think that in order for business to be successful, it must spend a lot of money on advertising. However, I believe that for business to be successful, it must spend money on society. This is because, spending money on society enables people to relieve stress and enjoy a better quality of life. It makes people to shift their perspective for business positively. First, spending money on society enables people to relieve stress. Understanding the daily environment and potential role of social enterprise is necessary to substantiate this view. Every morning, once, people are at work, they have to endure countless documents and continue to read more even at home. Such exhausting routine repeats itself and eventually wears down people. As a way to manage ensuing stress, people can use the counselling service which provided is provided by social enterprise. Even if it is only for a short time, this frees their minds from intense mental pressure from work. In this regard, spending money on society enables people to relieve stress. 비록 짧다라는 느낌이 많이 들지만. 문맥상으로나 문법적으로나 논리있게 잘 풀어나간거 같습니다. 특히 설명에서 예시로 넘어가는 부분이 아주 매끄럽게 잘 풀어나간 거 같습니다. Second, spending money on society enables people to enjoy a better quality of life. In response to the increasing role of spending money on society, many expert's opinions and research statistics reinforce the idea that spending money on society enables people to strengthen relationships with families. For example, spending money on society provides meaningful opportunities for people to connect with their families. Essentially, free play center which wasbuilt by social enterprise promotes activities that encourage people to openly interact with one another. Such intercommunication builds a platform not only spending to spend time together but also to create lasting memories, allowing people to become more socially aware and ultimately enjoy a better quality of life. To sum up, I believe that for business to be successful, it must spend money on society for the following reasons: to relieve stress and enjoy a better quality of life. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above. Good: 24~30 점수: 26 전체적으로 에세이를 논리적으로 잘 풀어나간거 같습니다. 특히 첫 번째 도 잘 서술하였지만 두 번째 바디에서 가장 작 보여진 거 같습니다. 특히 삶의 질이 더 나아진다고 하엿는데 그것을 가족 관계를 빗데어서 서술하신 것이 가장 좋았습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 것은 본인의 에세이를 가지고 상대방을 설득하는 것인데 이러한 부분에서 아주 좋은 취지를 가지고 서술한 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |