▶ Your Answer : An
intriguing topic on discussion at hand is whether it is desirable for a person
to make a significant decision alone or not. It may seem true that when someone
decides something, the person one should take a decision alone. However, with
in-depth analysis, it is better for the person to decide something after
listening to others’ advices from listening to others' advice (advice는 셀수 없는 단어이기 때문에 복수 형태가 없습니다) for the following two reasons: reducing the possibility
of making a mistake and saving the time.
To
begin with, if we ask for other people’s advice to decide something, we can
choose the best option among diverse options others suggest. In contrast, when we
make a decision by ourselves, we tend to decide something immediately, which it
makes us feel regretful (바로 regretful로 들어가는 것보다는 혼자 하면 선택 에있어서 나중에 후회되는 일이 찾아온다라는 식으로 서술하면 좋을 거 같아요). According to a statistic research that I read, those
who got an advice from others are more satisfied with their decisions than
those who did not. Since they are able to find what they really want in a lot
of advice from the advice itself, they hardly make a mistake to decide something. 논리적으로 풀어나갔지만 전반적으로 짧다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 예시나 설명에서 좀 더 살을 붙이면 좋을 거 같아요. statistic을 인용한 예시는 좋았습니다.
Furthermore,
if we get help from others, we could save the time to decide something. For example,
when I chose my university, I have had hard time to choose it. I did not have much
knowledge of it, so I did not decide where I wanted to go. To solve this problem,
I requested consultant to my teacher, and she introduced some universities that
I can could go. After listening to her advice, I chose one of them I want really wanted to go no
longer time, and I felt very satisfied with it. 이 부분 또한 예시가 너무 짧은 거 같습니다. 이유를 제시하고 바로 예시로 간 것은 좋았으나. 되도록이면 이유에대한 구체적인 설명을 들면 더 좋을 거 같아요.왜 다른사람의 조언을 들으면 어떠한 부분에서 시간이 절약 되는 등 부분들이 넣어줘야 할 거 같아요
In
a nutshell, I agree that a person should not decide something important alone
for the two reason discussed in this essay. We can decide what we want and save
our time by getting advice from others. Fair: 17~23 점수: 19 첨삭한 것에서 부터 말씀 드렸던 것처럼 에세이가 전체적으로 짧습니다. 간결하게 서술하시는 것은 좋지만 에세이안에 살이 없으면 내용이 부족하다는 느낌을 받습니다. 따라서 예시를 좀 더 길게 사용하시거나 구체적인 설명을 나열하시면 좋을 거 같습니다. 또한 문법적인 부분에서는 예시에서 과거로 시제를 시작하면 예시가 끝날 때 까지 과거로 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |