▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that children should compete
when playing sports. However, in my opinion, it is more likely to be helpful to
children to play sports for fun more helpful for children to play sports for fun. This is because playing sports can be a good
refresher for them and helps them to make friends.
To begin with, playing spots is an effective
method for relieving their stress from studying. Children nowadays get
significant stress since they always have to compete with others. If they are
required to compete even when they are playing sports, they would not be able
to endure stress. For example, I used to play badminton with my parents after
having dinner when I was a teenager. I was able to forget about my worries and
just have a fun at that moment since they did not force me to win. Thanks Due (thanks to는 부정적인 causal relationship에 사용됩니다) to the
free one-hour exercising, I could not only refresh my mind but also become
healthier. 논리적으로 잘 풀어나갔습니다. 특히 시대적 현상을 말하면서 아이들이 어떠한 상황에 있는지에 대한 설명한 것이 아주 좋은 포인트였습니다. 다만 바디가 전반적으로 짧은 거 같아요. 좀 더 에세이에 살을 더 붙여도 좋을 거 같습니다
On top of that, children can make friends by
playing sports together. Sports usually require a collective effort and
cooperation, which make people closer. Also, children often hang out together
after playing sports and develop strong bonds. However, if teachers or parents
make them to stiffly compete for the win, they could never be a true friends
and even fight with one another (왜 부모님과 선생의 개입이 사이를 나쁘게 만들고 싸우게 만드나요?). For instance, when I was a elementary school
student, my P.E. teacher made students to compete in the class in order to mark
grades. He expected them to learn a principal that the person who put efforts
could finally achieve one’s goal. However, students argued and fought every
class owing to the obsession to get good grades and the teacher eventually call
off the test. He said that he regret regretted his decision to make students to play
sports for competition because many of them lost relationships during the test. 위 바디 처럼 이 부분도 논리적으로 잘 풀어나갔습니다. 하지만 약간의 설명이 부족한 거 같아요 예시에서나 설명에서요. 왜 아이들이 부모님 개입을 받으면 싸우게 되는지에 대한 설명이 꼭 필요한 거 같습니다.
To sum up, playing sports just for fun is
beneficial to children since it lets children to reduce their stress and make
close friends. In this regard, I believe that children should enjoy the sports. Good: 24~30 점수: 25 전반적으로 아주 논리있게 에세이를 풀어나간거 같습니다. 첫 번째 부분에서는 이유에서 예시로 넘어가는 부분이 아주 매끄럽게 서술 하였습니다. 또한 두 번째 바디에서는 반박하는 부분을 본인의 생각으로 풀어나감으로써 좋은 부분을 만들게 된 거 같습니다. 앞으로 이렇게 에세이를 쓰시면 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |