■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : 높은 연봉+free time 없음 vs 자유시간 있지만 전자보다 낮은 임금 어느쪽이 좋을까 |
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어제 올려주신 첨삭을 바탕으로 지난 주에 올린 토픽을 수정해봤습니다.
Some people think that getting a higher income is better than having a spare time for the worker. However, I have a different idea (i have a different idea가 어떤 different idea이지를 명시하는게 좋습니다). First of all, the worker can increase their work-efficiency by having a free time. Secondly, they can live a life more happily.
To begin with, by spending free time, they can increase productivity in their workplace. Many workers often feel tired and feel stress from work. This accumulation of stress will affect the negative impact on concentration and efficiency of at work. However, if they have a adjust an adjusted free time, they will manage their stress better by enjoying a hobby. For example, according to research from the University of Maryland, the worker who has an own hobby showed 80% higher ability in managing stress. Since the stress effect affects on work efficiency and concentration on work directly, people who allowed have having a free time to enjoy a hobby could make more high performance in their workplace.
On top of that, free time can make people happier. Many people feel happy when they have a valuable memory and spend a meaningful time. Enjoying a various activity in free time can allow people to an opportunity to find their important value. For instance, people can make their life worthily with diverse activity give which gives a happiness even they have short-income. People can enjoy a hobby, devote learning a new knowledge and be interacting with their close people. However, since there is a lot of values different from individual, earning affluent money can not ensure happiness. If the people have not do not have right for choosing behavior and spend time because of work, they could not feel any sense of achievement and happiness or other worthy sense.
To sum up, people can concentrate on work better and live happier when they have a free time rather than obtain a lot of money.
In this regard, I agree with the having a free time is more crucial than earning high income for the worker.
Good: 24~30
점수: 27
첨삭한 것 처럼 에세이를 아주 논리적으로 풀어나갔습니다. 다만 아쉬운 점이 여러 부분이 있습니다. 먼저 첫 번째 부분은 문법적 오류들입니다. 문법적 오류들은 제가 위에 참석하신것을 토대로 잘 따라서 고치면 좋을 거 같습니다. 다른 문제점은 전반적으로 에세이가 짧다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 구체적인 설명이나 예시 부분에서 살을 더 붙이는 것을 추천합니다. 수고많으셨습니다.