■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Cars have made a greater impact on society than airplanes. |
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▶ Your Answer :
I
think this statement that cars have made a greater impact on society than airplanes
is intriguing. Although some people believe that the cars have made a greater
impact on society than airplanes, I strongly contend that airplanes have made a
greater impact on society than cars for several reasons.
First,
airplanes make people go to other continents more easily. (easily란 말은 적절하지 않습니다. 차로는 아예 갈 수가 없기때문에 they can go to other continents only by airplanes 라는 토픽 센텐스가 더 자연스러울 듯 합니다.) By using cars, people
cannot go to other continents. Also, ships take such a long time to go to other
continents. (to go to other continents라는 말이 너무 자주 반복되니 다른 단어를 찾으시는게 좋을 것 같습니다.) By using airplanes, people go to other continents and this impacts many artists. Many artists could see an exotic place and get impressed. They
could make many art works when they come back from other continents. James
Robert, who is a professor at Harvard University, conducted some research about
the relationship of traveling abroad and the number of themes of their art
works. He gathered 50 artists who had never visited other continents and 50
artists who had visited other continents. So, the artists who had visited other
continents usually had at least 5 themes at their art works. However artists
who had never visited other continents made usually 2 themes at their art
works, which is related to only their home land. Therefore, airplanes have given opportunities
to improve art works. (improve art work라기 보다는 개수를 늘린 것에 불과하니 increase the number~로 가는 것이 더 자연스러울 듯 합니다. 그리고 이 토픽에는 살짝 맞지 않는 느낌이 있습니다. 첫 문장에 아트 얘기가 나왔으면 모를까 갑자기 art가 툭 튀어나와서 main focus를 처음에 잡기가 힘듭니다. 아예 different reason을 찾으시는 것을 추천드립니다.)
On
top of that, many developing countries can receive aid materials faster than
before airplanes were invented. In many developing countries, devastating diseases occur
from time to time. Then they need many medicines to cure patients, but they
usually do not have many medicines. (medicine의 경우 many -> a lot of 가 더 적합합니다.) So, many developed countries send medicines
via airplanes because the developing countries are in emergency situation. With
these medicines, many people can cure illness. Last year, earthquakes occurred in (전치사) Taiwan. Even though Taiwan is not a developing country, many countries sent
aid materials and people to Taiwan such as water, medicine, doctors and nurses.
If there were no airplanes, these materials and people could have not got there
in a few days. By giving these aid, many Taiwan people could be rescued and cured. (앞에서 이미 developing countries라고 구조를 받는 대상을 단정지으셨기 때문에 taiwan 보다는 haiti와 같은 개발도상국의 예를 드는 것이 더 적절했을 듯 합니다.)
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점수: OFF TOPIC
conclusion이 없습니다. 에세이에서의 구조는 굉장히 중요하므로 콩클루젼을 짧게나마 꼭 써주세요.
대부분의 첨삭 내용은 위 본문 안에 적어드렸습니다.
문법은 괜찮지만 내용 자체가 너무 digressed 된 거 같고 두번째 문단은 첫 시작은 완벽했으나
적절치 못한 example이 있습니다.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*