서론, 결론을 간략히 줄이고 Body에 시간을 들이는 방식으로 해 보았습니다.
I
believe taking care of pets has lots of benefits for children. This is because
children can learn about responsibility and reduce their stress. (간단하고
좋아요.)
To
begin with, taking care of pets can enhances children's responsibility.
Frankly, this issue is like a double-edged sword. It is also true that taking
care of pets require lots of efforts. However, I argue that the advantages of
taking care of pets far outweigh the disadvantages concerning the fact that
it is good to increase children's responsibility the
significance and importance of the sense of responsibility the children can
gain. (위 문장이 틀린 건 아니지만, 이렇게 사용할
수도 있다는 걸 보여주고 싶었어요. 조금씩 문장 구조를 바꿔주면서 다양한 표현들을 사용하시면 더 높은
점수를 받으실 수 있습니다.) For example, there was a survey conducted by the Seoul
national university in 2016, with parents who had a children with pets
as respondents. The purpose of the poll was to inverstigate investigate that whether taking care of pets
really enhances children's responsibility or not. An overwhelming 90 percent of
parents responded that it really did. This is
because they had seen that their children had
been more responsible after taking care of pets. (예시를 들어주세요. 어떻게 responsible해 진거죠? 예를 들어 애완동물에게 사료를 준다거나)
On top
of that, children can reduce their stress by taking
care of pets. To be specific, Imagine that a child stays alone in own house at
home during for a long time. Would
it be possible that the child could reduce his own
stress, as by playing alone? The answer
will be "no". (혼자 놀면서 스트레스를 푸는 아이들도 많습니다. 극단적으로
NO라고 하지 마시고, 차라리 hardly, seldom, 과 같은 적다, 라는 뜻을 써주시는 게
논리적으로 반박하기 어려울 것 같아요.) A good way to help the a
child reduce their his stress is to make
the child take care of pets. The best example of this is my personal story.
When I was seven years old, I always stayed alone in my house because my
parents went to the work. Even though I had many toys, I could not
relieve my stress. Therefore, my parents gave me a puppy. He was so lovely because
and he had big brown eyes with light
brown fur. After then, I always played with the puppy and it made me
feel so happy. This example shows that children can reduce their stress taking
care of pets. (예시가 아쉽습니다. 애완동물과 놀면 스트레스가
준다, 가 예시가 말하고 있는 상황인데, 주장은 ‘taking care of pets’, 즉 돌보면 스트레스가 준다. 라는
주장이니 아쉽습니다.)
To sum up, taking care of pets helps
children learn about responsibility and reduce their stress. In this regard, I
strongly suggest taking care of pets has lots of benefits for children.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
19 |
Overall Comment: |
Good try! 위 복붙할 때 오류가 생긴 것 같으니 다른 곳으로 옮겨서 확인하시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 일단 전체적으로 문법 오류가 많습니다. 지적사항들을 참고해 주세요. 위에 지적을 해 드린 것 처럼 예시가 많이 아쉽습니다. 참고하시고, 짧게 쓰신 서론 결론은 좋았어요. |
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