▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that the internet is the best tool for academic performance. (주제문 그대로 작성하는 것을 지양해주세요) However, my thought is different. In my opinion, the internet is not the best tool for academic performance. There are two reasons why I think about it.The first reason is that because there are too many things, and the other reason is that It it is not the best. --> 'It is not the best' 그리고 'there are too many things'라는 이유가 구체성이 떨어집니다. (무엇이 많은지, 그리고 그것이 나쁜 이유는?) First of all, the internet has so many contents. It is also true that a lot of contents on the internet is useful for people. Though However, I believe the disadvantages of the internet far outweigh the advantages concerning the fact that it would disturb my study. When students want to concentrate on their assignment by searching the internet, it permanently provides new interesting contents like games, posts, arresting topics, and so on (arresting topic 이 말하고자 하는 바가 무엇인지?). There are even personalized information (단수 사용) that students liked a long time ago. Thus, they(Who?) forget the first purpose they had and enjoy the internet by the time until their mothers come and scold them. Even though children resolve to study hard, there are so many distorted and incorrect information that makes kids to be confused. Therefore, they cannot study very well and some of them end up being incomplete. (성적의 불완전? 배움의 불완전? 전혀 설명이 주어지지 않았습니다.)
On top of that, In order to get a good grade on test, there are several methods such as tutoring taking extra classes, searching the information in textbooks, and discussing about the topic with friends. doing not use the internet. For example, I am always used to study with the internet because it seemed to give me a good solutions immediately. However, my academic performance was very low. Thus, I talked this problem to my homeroom teacher, Ms. Kim. She listened to me slowly and gave me a good advice that use another way to study. Therefore, I embarked on studying with friends, textbooks with note taking, and my tutor. The result was very astonishing. My score of final exam was three times better than mid-term exam. I could not help but sheding tears.It demonstrate that the cause of my low score was that internet. --> It demonstrates that there can be more effective way of studying, including things I tried, instead of depending on the internet. 처럼 본인이 현재까지 주장했던 내용과 더 일관되는 표현을 작성해주세요.
To sum up, the internet disturbs students to attract with their fun contents. Moreover, there are so many means to study very well. In this regard, the best tool for academic performance is not the internet.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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