▶ Your Answer :
Some people believe that the extended family is not as crucial now as in the past, while others do not think this way. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. I strongly believe that the extend family is not as crucial as it used to be for several reasons.
To start with, cutting-edge technologies can help people to interact grandparents who live in their houses that are far from people. What this means is that many media, such as social network platforms, are equipped with many functions that enables people to continuously develop relationships with grandparents although they do not directly meet grandparents and dwell in together. Accordingly, they can keep in touch to each other with the help of updated technologies. For instance, when I was in high school, my parents preferred to live in big cities in order to help me get more convenient transportations of big cities and be taught from more professional teachers, but my grandparents wanted to dwell in rural areas. As a result, my parents decided to move to a big city, Seoul, and let my grandparents know how to deal with smartphones and use applications to communicate like 'Kakao Talk', which were equipped with video chatting functions. Accordingly, nowadays, my grandparents are satisfied with their lives and live in a rural area where fresh air can enable them to easily distract keeps their mind away from tiring life, continuously strengthening the relationships with the family members with new applications.
On top of that, the latest technologies could help people to receive advice in a wider platform instead of depending on family members. It was evident that grandparents who were more experienced served as advisers and teachers in the past, helping children to correct their mistake. With the development of today's society, many educational institutions, corporations, and scientific skills can allow students to easily and precisely brush up on their academic skills. For instance, many research teams, including the Tokyo Research Center, analyzed data from two groups. One group was consisted of those who lived in rural areas with their grandparents, whereas the other group was made up of those who dwelled in metropolitan areas with their parents. The researchers found that the latter was more likely to have a higher score on the Academic Performance Test than the former. This is due to the fact that most of the latter could receieve professinal advice and suggestions from educational companies instead of their grandparents who had difficulty fully comprehending educational knowledge. This is clearly shows that the extend family is no logner important because there are now many educational instituions to teach children. --> 기술의 발전으로 인해 더욱 넓은 분야의 정보/충고를 들을 수 있는 환경에 놓여있다는 주장을 뒷받침할 수 있는 예시를 작성해주세요.
All things considered, I firmly believe that people do not need to put emphasis on the extended family crucial because professionals and experts can lend a helping hand to children academically in grandparents' place, and people can still maintain contact with each other, using advanced media technologies regardless of where they are at. even though people leave their hometowns
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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