▶ Your Answer :
(Intro 앞 부분에 채점자의 관심을 끌 수 있는 Hook 이 없습니다. 예 - Some peoplebelieve that ~ is ~. However... ) I think teenage students should have part time jobs. The reason is that having part time jobs gives students knowledge on real economy and social skills such as knowing others' perspectives.
To begin with, having part time jobs can enhance student's senses of economy. It is also true that having part time jobs require students much time. However, I believe the advantages of having part time jobs exceed disadvantages, concerning students can learn senses of economy by having part time jobs. For example, there was a survey conducted by the Seoul national university in 2016, with 5,000 high school students as respondents. The purpose of the poll was to investigate whether having part time jobs is good to teenage students. An overwhelming 88% students responded that it was very beneficial because they can learn senses of economy. Some students said they often had wasted much money, but now, they can use their money more reasonably after their experience on part time jobs. This survey suggests that having part time jobs can enhance students' senses of economy.
On top of that, teenage students can enhance their social skills by having part time jobs. Imagine that students only study academic subjects and do not have part time jobs. Would it be possible to think that students have useful social skills? The answer would be "no". => 구어체 문장 작성 지양해주세요 (의문문 형태, imagine~ 같은 명령형) A good way to give students useful social skills is making them to experience part time jobs. The best example of this is my cousin's story. When he was in high school, he was very good at academic subjects. However, he always found difficult to hang out with his classmates because he did not know other people's perspectives (어떠한 것에 대한 관점인지?). One day, he got a part time job. Working on the jobs, he learned coworkers' perspectives and the concept of cooperation. Now, he is really good at hanging out with his friends. This example shows that having part time jobs can really improve students social skills. - hanging out 만이 사회활동이 아닙니다. 아르바이트를 통해 다른 사람들과 함께 일하며 협동심 등을 기르게 된 과정에 대해 조금 더 초점을 맞추고 이로 인해 사회적인 스킬이 늘었다는 내용을 쓰는 것이 더 설득력있을 것 같습니다. To sum up, teenage students can improve not only their senses of economy but also their social skills. In this regard, I strongly argue that It is favorable for teenage students to have part times jobs.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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