▶ Your Answer :Attitudes conflict on whether parents’
involvement in their children’s education is greater today than in the past. I
side with the perspective that parents are more involved in their child education
these days than in the past. First, parents require their children to
participate in various after-school activities. Second, parents move more to
improve their children’s educational environment.
Fundamentally, children are being forced
from their parents to participate in a variety of after-school activities. Let’s
take a look at what the opposite side claims. They argue that parents’
involvement was greater in the past. Advocates of this school of thought raise
several arguments as the basis for their beliefs. While their argumentation may
appear valid on the surface, it does not withstand vigorous scrutiny. Actually,
a flood of evidence renders their views erroneous. For instance, my particular
observation reveals why today’s parents are more involved in their children’s
education.
^
When my brother was in junior high school,
my parents sent him to many different courses and activities. First, they
enrolled him in math and English language courses. On weekends, they went to
art galleries and museums with my brother. During vacations, they spent time at
various local festivals. However, in the past, school education was the only
education that parents could offer to their children.
This supports the thesis that parental involvement
in child education is much greater nowadays. ^
In the second place, family-based movements
to improve children’s education have increased in recent years. Beyond my
personal experience, current research substantiates my perspective. Apart from
a small portion of people who sided with the opposite idea, a significant
majority of survey participants endorsed my point of view that parents move
more to improve children’s educational environment nowadays. (where is the survey?) A mother who took
part in the interview said that their children showed increase in mid-term
exams’ score right after moving. She mentioned two reasons. that Ffirst, tshe
academies which offer better education, became were more accessible than in the past.
Second, children get along with friends who study more. An expert explained
that as special-purpose high schools and academies began to emerge centered on
specific area, this trend of moving homes to pursue a better educational
environment has been increasing steadily. A father of a middle school boy
lamented that in the past children rather moved to another school not to
benefit from greater educational opportunities but because of their parents’
workplace.
Such notions attest that parents in the
past were not involved in educating their kids as much as today. ^
Ultimately, I agree parents are more
involved in their children’s education today than in the past for the evidence
I have provided previously.
First of all, children are required to
participate in a variety of after-school activities by their parents. Last but
not least, because parents want a better educational environment, they move to
another city.
Fair (17-23)
문단 제대로 나눠주세요. 서론+ 본문1+본문2+결론 이 기본적인 토플에세이 틀입니다. 서론이 너무 깁니다. others' opinion을 길게 쓸 필요는 없습니다. 본문은 주장문+설명+예시+(마침) 으로 하시면 용이합니다. 다르게 자유자재로 연습하시기는 좀더 advanced 된 다음에 해주셔도 괜찮습니다.
두번째 본문에서 survey를 쓰셨는데 survey에 대한 설명/목적/참가자/결과 등을 쓰지 않으셔서 글이 혼란스럽습니다. 명확하고 자세하게 써주세요.
첫번재 본문이 두번째 본문과 비교했을때 너무 짧습니다. 주제문과 설명 넣으시면 비슷하게 될 것 같습니다. 연습해주세요.
같은 본문에 있는 문장들은 한 칸 띄지 마시고 같은 문단에 넣어주세요. 글자 수 300 넘겨도 괜찮습니다. 하지만, minimum 300 맞춰주세요.
문법과 문장들은 나쁘지 않지만 불필요한 내용이 너무 많고 문단 나누기/ 예시 정리/ 본문 정리 가 제대로 되어 있지 않아서 Fair 드렸습니다.
수고하셨습니다~
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