▶ Your Answer :
Some people think taking care of pets is a good way to
learn responsibility for children. They may think growing pets is an important factor to increase children’s responsibility. However, in my
opinion, caring for pets are is not the
best way to learn responsibility. This is because it is very hard for children
and children can make their pets dangerous. (make
their pets dangerous는 애완동물들을 위험한 동물들로 만들 수가
있다 라는 표현입니다. Children can put their pets in danger – 이 더
적절합니다.)
To begin with, caring for pets is very difficult for
children. Usually, children do not have time-management skills. That is Specifically, they cannot deal with work for pets such
as feeding pets them. (pets라는 표현이 them으로 대체 가능할 때는 해주셔요. 너무 같은 단어를 반복적으로
쓰면 어색합니다) Therefore, if they are given tasks for pets, they may be stressful may get stressed out. For example, there was a poll
conducted by the Korea animal association with children as respondents. The
survey’s main purpose was to
determine whether caring for pets was hard for children. An overwhelming 70%
responded that taking care of pets was a very
hard work task. They said since they
sometimes forgot about their work for pets, they cannot cope with growing their
pets. It showed that caring for pets is hard for children.
On top of that, children can make their pets dangerous.
Children usually have clumsy skills for their pets. (clumsy skills라는 표현이 어색해요. 차라리 Children are
usually clumsy when it comes to taking care of their pets. 를 써주셔요.) Sometimes,
children’s pets can
become dangerous through their weak skills. (weak
skills또한 마찬가지입니다. Lack
of knowledge / lack of skills가 더 적절해요.) Let me take my experience for example. When I was in elementary
school, I had a friend who had a dog. He liked his dog a lot. Therefore, he
always played with the dog and talked to me about the dog’s life every day. However, the dog passed
away (보통 이 표현은
사람이 죽었거나 나이가 더 많은 사람이 죽었을 때 씁니다. 한국에서 돌아가셨습니다 와 비슷한 표현이니, passed away보다 died가 더 적절합니다) because of my friend’s mistake. He gave a chocolate bar to his dog. He did not know that
dogs should not eat chocolate. Eventually, his clumsy (lack of) knowledge led the dog to die be dead. It proved that children’s clumsy skills make their pets hazardous. (put their pets in danger)
To sum up, I believe that caring for pets is not the best
way to learn the sense of responsibility. This
is due to the fact that it is very difficult for children and children make
their pets dangerous.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Limited (0-16) |
Score |
14 |
Overall
Comment: |
문법적인 오류가 많습니다. 위
수정사항들을 참고해 주셔요. 그래도 글의 포인트는 잘 잡아주셨고 근거는 잘 대주셨습니다. |
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