▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that the television T.V
is more useful than telephones. (T.V. 말고 television을 써주셔요) However, in my opinion, telephones are more important. telephone is more
effected. This is because telephones can
save our time and help us build make good
relationships. (핸드폰이 좋은 관계를 만들어 주는 게 아니라 좋은 관계를 형성하는 걸 도와주는 역할입니다)
Firstly, telephones can make our free time but T.V consumes our
time. (무슨 뜻인지 파악하기가 어렵습니다. 휴대폰들은 free time을 만들어준다는 뜻인가요?) To
be specific, if you waste time watching T.V,
will time wait for you? The answer will be no. In the world we live in, time is
gold. Since students, even young children, cannot turn time back, we must use
our time wisely. (watching tv = waste of time? 이런 논리라면 왜 티비를 보는 건 시간이 아까운 행위고, 핸드폰은 아닌지 설명이 필요합니다) For
example, when I was a student I didn't have a telephone because my mother didn't want me to use a telephone.
However, when I have a promise an appointment with my friend, it’s always comfortable to have
a phone. (약속을 잡는다 = have an appointment) Finally, my
mother bought me a telephone and it was very
useful. I can could meet my friends and
call my mother by using the telephone. (논리적으로 매우 흠이 많습니다. 설득력이 부족해요.)
On top of that, it is possible to expand one’s
human network by using the telephone. It is important as far as successful
career. (위 문장이 무슨 뜻인지 파악하기 어렵습니다. It is an important
factor when it comes to building a successful career이 더 적절합니다) The
meaning of success has completely changed compared to the past. If it was
merely focusing on one's own way and exceeding others, now it is different.
Along with your own ability, it is crucial to be recognized by others and have
followers. In this sense, using telephones can
be very helpful. For instance, my father who is self-employed
has strong bond a strong sense of attachment about
his job. Whenever I saw him, he always hold held
his telephone to call people who were related to my father's job. If my father doesn't didn’t have telephone he could not be successful. (결론에 비해 근거가 매우 부족합니다) In addition, these days, if I have a date with my girlfriend or meet my
professor, I have to use my phone. In other words, it
is an important device to live our life.
To sum up, the telephone is more
important to our life than the television. (more 을 쓰시면 비교대상을 써주셔야 합니다) Furthermore, I believe that the telephone will be more developed and more
comfortable. (마지막 문장은 위 본문에 설명도 없고 결론과 매우 상관이 없습니다.)
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Limited (0-16) |
Score |
5 |
Overall
Comment: |
전체적으로 논리적으로나 문법적으로
오류가 매우 많습니다. 제가 해드린 수정사항들을 참고해 주세요. 기죽지 마시고 더 많이 쓰시다 보면 실력이 늘겁니다. |
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