Once started
as a secret military intranet, the Internet has succeeded to become an
enormous creature in our daily lives. (enormous
creature이란 표현이 조금 어색합니다. 차라리 the Internet has become a huge influence in our lives가 더 적절할 것 같아요.) Undoubtably (Undoubtedly), the Internet accounts for huge parts of
our lifestyles. And now the Internet has become more important than the
conventional medium, the television, which also was once a representative for our new
lifestyles too.
First
of all, the Internet is unbelievably portable. (인터넷은 portable하지가 않습니다. portable보다는 reachable, easy to gain access가 맞습니다.) Televisions are usually regarded as furnitures
(furniture의 복수는 furniture입니다. Money와 같은 uncountable
nouns에 속합니다.) that can be seen only in our houses. This is because
televisions are needed to be connected with plugs, and are
too heavy to carry. On the other hand, we can use the Internet at any
places, and the Internet is available at lots of devices such as
mobile phones, notebooks, and even in some kinds
of watches. Since the Internet is handy, we can freely access to the
Internet. In reverse, that also means that the Internet can be influencial
influential to human beings regardless of
locations.
Furthermore,
it can be said that the Internet is a smart online encyclopedia. Only
television broadcasting centers can choose
what to present on television channels. In contrary, we can freely select what
to search or what to see, listen and enjoy if we decide to use the internet.
Moreover, the Internet contains countless information which we need. For
example, if we need informations (information도 furniture과 같이 uncountable noun입니다) about studying English, we can
just pick up our mobile phones or sit in front of computers. And we can search
for plenty of informations which can be conducive for studying
English. On the other hand, television programmes have limited
informations compared to the Internet, and we have to wait for a certain
television programme which may present what we want to know.
To sum
up, the Internet is very portable so we can use the Internet it (특정 명사를 반복적으로 사용하시면 글이 지루해질 수도 있으니 가능할 때는 바꿔주세요.) freely regardless of where we are. In addition, the
Internet has a score of useful informations, compared to what
televisions show us. For these reasons, I firmly believe that the Internet
plays a more crucial role in modern human
society than the television does.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
19 |
Overall
Comment: |
글의 흐름이 좋고 포인트를 잘
잡아주셨어요. 근거도 잘 잡아주셨고요. 다만 문법 오류가 많아서 감점을 드렸습니다. 위 수정사항들을 참고해 주세요. 철자 오류도 잦으시니
조심해 주시고, 대명사를 더 적극적으로 사용해 주세요. |
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