▶ Your Answer :
There
has been a social issue over whether or not parents should give some money to
their children based on their grades. in
terms of children's high grade. Although some people mention that it is a good thought because
children can try to study because of the thought
of money, others point out that not always it is good idea. In my opinion, I would firmly feel with this statement negatively.
(statement이 무엇을 가리키는 건지 명확하게 해주셔야 합니다. 그리고 statement와 ‘feel’한다는 표현은 어색해요. 차라리 agree or disagree with를 써주세요.) I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore
in the following essay.
First
of all, one of the reasons is that studying is only students' achievement.
Students have to study their subjects in order to improve their life. Simply,
if high score's consequent is money, students will always study for money. It
is an amiss thought. For example, if some parents gives money to their
child because of the child's high score in an exam, the child can think 'I will study hard!' at
that time. However, if his(her) or her
parents' financial circumstance will be poor in the future, the child can think
'I cannot study hard because of money'. This is a
terrible aspect. Therefore, I think it is not good idea ratter than compared to other ideas relatively. (Ratter이 아니고 rather입니다. 또한 예시를 들으실 때 ‘’ 를 너무 많이 사용하시지 않는 걸 추천 드려요. 차라리 더 명확한 예시를 제시해 주세요. (survey 등등))
Furthermore,
another reason is the possibility that students
can be remote from studying. It is because if students have much money,
relatively, they can face more funny (fun=즐거운 funny=웃긴) activities such as shopping, computer games, and buying clothes than students who have less
money. Actually, according to a Korea educational firm, many student's scores
gradually abate because of many activities that were
related about with money. In 1990, most
students could not hang out due to poor the low
amount of money so they could concentrate on studying. However,
modern students hardly study because they have a lot money that can hang out with. (근거가 매우 약합니다. Over-generalization을 하셨어요. 이 발언에 대한 증거가 필요합니다.) Therefore, I confidently affirm that limited money is
more helpful for students.
In
short, parents should not give money to their children (아예 돈을 주지 말라는 뜻인가요? 성적에 따라서 돈을 주지 말라는 게 핵심이니 이 문장은 빼주세요), which especially should not
be related about the children's school
scores. It is because of
the possibility of children's bad thoughts
and terrible characteristics of money. (너무 결론이 vague합니다.)
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Limited (0-16) |
Score |
7 |
Overall
Comment: |
논리적으로 설득력이 부족합니다.
근거를 더 받쳐주실 증거가 필요합니다. 일반화를 하실 때는 그걸 받쳐줄 근거를 제시하셔야 합니다. 또한 문법 오류도 매우 많으셔서 감점을
드렸어요. 위 지적사항들 참고 부탁 드려요. 특히 수의 일치에 취약하신 것 같습니다. |
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