▶ Your Answer :
Some
people think that people does not put too much values on their
exteriors in these days. However, in my
opinion, people think of their appearance as an
important values nowadays. This is because people spend a lot of money
on their exteriors and they are very sensitive
to the updated trend.
To begin
with, people use a lot of more money on
their fashion than before. With the development
of communicating technology, people can get much information about exteriors.
It causes people’s desires to change their appearance
and makes people to spend a bunch of money to change their exteriors
such as plastic surgeries and fancy clothes. (exteriors라는 표현보다 appearance가 더 적절해요) Let me take my experience as an
example. When I was in college, I had a friend who was a beautiful girl and
people always complimented her face. However, since she wanted to change her
face like an actor, she did went through a
plastic surgery. (성형수술을 받았다, 라는 표현은 went through입니다.) Although the surgery’s price was very high, it did not prevent her from her desire.
On top
of that, people are susceptible to the updated trend. Usually, people tend to
be like other people and it permits leads
(permits는 허락하다, 라는 뜻이니 leads가 더 적절해요.) them to follow the up-to-date trend. For example, there was a poll
conducted by Korea University with students as
respondents. The survey’s main purpose was to determine whether
people is are vulnerable to updated
trend. (위에도 같은 실수를
하셨는데, people은 복수형태입니다. 따라서 동사도 복수형태로
써주세요) An overwhelming 70%
responded that they bought a coat annually according to the newest fashion.
They said they want to be like other people. Some
people even was were in depression when
they did not follow the updated trend.
I believe people regard their
exterior as a very important factor. This is due to the fact that people use a
lot of money on their appearance and they want to follow the recent
trend.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
21 |
Overall
Comment: |
글의 포인트를 잘 잡아주셨고,
근거도 논리적으로 잘 쓰셨어요. 다만 사용하신 표현이 아쉬울 때가 많았습니다. Exterior이란 단어가 안 좋다는 건 아니지만,
appearance와 같은 다양한 표현들로 글을 치장해 주실 필요가 있어 보입니다. 위에 지적사항들을 참고해 주세요. 특히 people
-> 복수형 잊지 말아주세요. |
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