▶ Your Answer : People might say that today the public draws too much attention to the personal lives of celebrities (주제 속 단어 그대로 사용을 지양해주시고 paraphrase해 주세요) these days. However, contrary to this point, I strongly believed that people do not pay much attention to the life of celebrities. The fundamental reason is that people just see their celebrities’ personal life for admiration, and celebrities can have benefits by people’s attention though their personal life. (주제에 대해 본인 입장을 support 하는 이유인지?)
To begin with, people admire famous people for not only their pretty appearance in the television, but also for their private life. The celebrities wearing clothes and putting on make up can motivate people to mimic them, though these celebrities are not wearing stuffs for the broadcasting but for their comfort in their personal areas. Therefore, the celebrities' items can be famous to the public, even if they wear in their normal daily routine. Let me take my sister as example (Let형태는 구어체이므로 에세에 내에서 사용을 지양해주세요) For instance, she was so in love to see and imitate the famous singer's items. One day, the singer was taken a picture unawarely in the airport for his private schedule. However, his airport look became so famous, and the clothes were sold out entirely. At that time, my sister was so sad that she could not buy it. In other words, people draw attention to the celebrities’ private life just because of admiration. --> 주제: celebrity life 에 too much attention 인지 (동의) 아닌지(반대) 입장을 알려달라는 주제인데, 위 문단의 내용은 어떤 입장을 지지한다는 연결고리가 없습니다. On the top of that, famous people can be more popular by their private life. It can give people feel more familiar by seeing famous people's private life. Therefore, people can feel that the celebrities is not just the subject of admiration but also their friends. Accordingly, their reputation will be more increased. According to research done by Tokyo Research Center, the most preferable famous people is feeling the fact that normal people see celebrities' private life allows regular people to feel celebrities like friends or family. Therefore, the friendly image shown in their private life can have a positive impact on the celebrities. (어떤 의미에서 positive impact 인지 설명이 전혀 없음) - Tokyo research center 템플릿을 활용한다고 해서 예시 작성이 된 것이 아님 - celebrity를 친구처럼 느낀다는 내용 및 그들의 명성이 올라간다는 점과 본 주제에 대한 작성자의 입장 간 연결고리가 없음 As mentioned above, I think that today's people are not paying too much attention to popular people’s personal life. This is because people just admire even their famous people’s private life, and famous people also get good effects by showing their personal life.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- 기초적인 단어 spelling, 주어 동사 수 일치 실수 등 문법실수가 많습니다. - 주제에 대한 본인의 입장을 논리적으로 지지하는 내용이 없습니다. |