▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that parents have to make an effort to spend a lot of time for their children's study. However, in my opinion, parents should be make an effort to spend active time with their children. This is because it can improve intimacy between children and their parents and increase children’s health.
To begin with, for many children, playing sports with their parents such as soccer, baseball and basketball can improve their sense of closeness. Nowadays, most children do not have opportunity that to spend sufficient time of speaking with their parents because of many homeworks and hard exams from schools subject. ThereforeSo, playing games or sport s with family can be a good chance to improve sense of closeness on between children and their parents. This is illustrated by a study conducted at Seoul national university in Korea. Actually, students who hung out with their parents regularly had high intimacy with into their family, although students who only studied hard had low intimacy with into their family.
On top of that, spending time playing sports time and other activities can increase children’s healthy aspect. In many countries, especially in Korea, students’ mostly use their time is using for private study, so their health is not good. If their parents permit their children to study less a little and hang out with them, many children’s health can increase. For instance, when I was so young, I was very sick, so my parents usually spent many active time for me. And, when I was a high school student, my health eventually improved, so I was spent great time in my last 10s. (?) I think this good consequence was because of energetic activity.
To sum up, for children, spending active time with their parents can increase intimacy and their health. In this regard, I strongly believe that parents should spend many active time with their children than command their children to study hard.
Fair (17-23) effort는 명사이기 때문에 동사처럼 쓰시면 안됩니다. make an effort처럼 바꿔서 써주세요. 단/복수에 유의해주세요. 문장 시작할 때, So나 And로의 시작보다는 Therefore, Thus 등의 시작이 더 좋습니다. intimacy가 많이 반복됩니다. affection 같은 단어와 같이 써주세요. 두번째 본문에서 노란색으로 하이라이트 준 부분 뜻이 모호합니다. 정확히 해주시거나 빼주세요. 내용면에서는 괜찮습니다. 수고하셨습니다~
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