▶ Your Answer :
A variety of opinions may
exist over the argument that with the use of the internet, students can learn
more effectively, since there are a lot of information in the internet. As far
as I am concerned, I completely disagree with the aforementioned statement. The
following two ideas can be valid evidences to back up my opinion. First, in the
internet, there are too many entertainments to employ times, and there are a lot of information without resources. (인트로가 매우 좋습니다.)
To begin with, in the internet, there are a spate of enjoyable things
exist, such as games, novels, and comics. Students are too young to endure lures
temptations such as these. (lure도 좋은 표현이지만 temptations가 더 적절합니다) I will
give my personal experience as an example. When I was in second grade in high
school, my parents bought me a computer which could access to the
internet. First time At first, (First time은 처음 썼을 때, at first는 처음엔. 이런 미세한 차이가 있어요) I used my computer
efficiently in studying and my grades went up. I tried my best not to be
enticed to the enjoyable things. However, as time goes went (과거형으로
바꿔주세요) on, I could not endure the lures of entertainments. I made use
of a lot of time internet shopping, reading comics
and so on. As a result of that my grades decreased dramatically. Consequently,
my parents let me forced me to (let me는
허락하다라는 맥락이여서 부적절합니다) stop using
the computer. This shows that young students have low discipline to endure
lures.
On top of that, there are a lot of inaccurate
information not precise in the internet. However, students have a low capacity to discern these information, so they
can easily learn odd information. There was a poll conducted by the Korea board
of education with 200 university students as a respondents. The purpose
of the survey was to understand and the
consensus view whether students can discern accurate information without
other's help when they were high school students. An overwhelming 80% of
respondents had responded that they could not discriminate discern (discriminate는 차별하다라는 뜻이여서 매우 부적절합니다) precisely,
since they were too young to think prudently and meticulously. This survey
proves that high school students are too young to discern information
precisely.
To sum up, high school students and more lower younger (더
낮은 학생들이라는 표현은 맞지 않고, 어린 학생들이 더 적절합니다. 또한 lower을 쓰실 때는 more을
안 쓰시는 게 맞습니다) students are too young to not only endure lures bout
also to discern information precise or not.
In this regard, I firmly believe that it is too hard for students to use the
internet efficiently when they study.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
18 |
Overall
Comment: |
포인트를 잘 잡아주셨고 설득력은
있지만, 단어 선택 및 문법이 많이 아쉽습니다. 많이 수정해 드렸으니, 위 지적사항들을 참고해 주세요. 또한 상황에 맞지 않는 부자연스러운
표현들도 바꿔드렸습니다. |
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