Some people might claim that people’ liberties should not be interrupted
by any other things any factors. However,
this perspective is not true for the two following reasons which I am going to
elaborate. From my point of view, I personally feel that people’s freedom can
be restricted if it has a negative impact on other people’s health and family time.(What is it?)
First of all, people’s liberties can be violated when it hinders people from keeping in shape.
(Unclear point) This is because individual’s
freedom tends to create noise pollution, particularly When people they utilize talk
on the mobile phones loudly in public
places such as public transport, offices or libraries,
it is more likely to disrupt others. In other words, people will become readily
stressed out, when they are disturbed by noise that they do not want. According
to a study conducted by Seoul National University’s research department, an
overwhelming 73 percent of the participants answered that they were in favor of
the idea that the noise generated by cell phones
in public areas can harmfully affect humans. They said
that these uncomfortable circumstances in pubic sites made people
irritated and annoyed. Also, since stress is one of the main factors of
diseases through weakening the immune system, they thought that the use of cell phones do not give advantage to
people’s health.
On top of that, people’s freedom can be infringed upon when it deters them
from having quality time with loved ones. (So that?) The
development in technology such as cell phones makes it difficult for today’s
people to have personal time due to the boss’
order which are required by the boss over the phones regardless of off days any time. Furthermore, it also makes one's might break a family relationship to weaken. For
instance, my cousin was a successful business women and she had a high
reputation for her competence in the workplace. However, her family time
staying with her family was often disturbed by
her business phone calls. Even when she had dinner with her family members
on weekend, she had to stop eating and go to the workplace again because of
the order from her boss. After much thought, she decided to leave her job
and pay more attention to reinforce her family connection. This shows that
the improper use of people’s freedom triggered by utilizing
mobile phones did not give her authentic liberty and happiness.
To sum up, being restricted each person’s freedom should be
needed when it detrimentally influences another person’s health and family
rapport. In this regard, I fully believe that taking away people’s liberties
should be implemented in specific conditions in order to ensure all people’s
benefits.
채점기준표
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Grammar
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Contents
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Example
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Coherence
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점수
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2
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3
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2
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3
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Score
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Fair 18-21
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첫 번째 주장이 unclear하게 제시가 되었기 때문에 다시 수정해주셔야 합니다. 또한 그러한 cell phone의 noise영향으로 미친 악영향이나 이러한 때에 어떤 restriction을 가해야 하는지도 설명해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 두 번째 상세한 예시는 적절했습니다.
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