▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that the elderly people do not
need to exercise more than young people do. However, I disagree with the above
idea for the two subsequent reasons. First of all, it will be beneficial for
the elderly’ health. Second, they can maintain well-balanced relationship by
exercising regularly. (GOOD)
To begin with, exercising can affect elderly’ health problem. To explain, old people (동의어/비슷한 표현을 다양하게 사용해주세요.) usually spend time in their home for a long time after retiring, which can
accumulate much stress. This affects them to have less and don’t have opportunity to relieve stress. This stress
is one of the main causes for many diseases. However, if they do exercise
frequently, it can lead them to have healthy lifestyle by relieving stress. Let me bring
up my personal example. (let 등 구어적인 표현 사용을 지양해주세요) When I was in high school, my grandfather spent a long time at his home after retiring company. At first, he enjoyed the break but started to get stressed as time went by. comfortable
breaking time, but time went by, he was more and more stressed and experienced indigestion.
So I recommended him doing exercise in the apartment’ sports center. After a
few months, he became less stressful and overcame his indigestion and
languor. Furthermore, through exercising, he prevented himself from falling and decreased the chance of bone
fracturing by having strong muscles.
- Run on sentence가 많이 보입니다. 필수 주어 및 동사의 사용/시제 등을 꼭 확인해주세요. On top of that, exercising is good for
relationship and helps people to socialize. People can be involved in the same
activity and have a good time together. This improves the conversation and creates
fun memories to share. According to the recent survey of NHS institute of disease,
80% of the respondents said that they can make friends by exercising with
people, which is helpful to socialize with people. This is due to the fact that
people could refresh and be unwind through sports. Also, people can share information
about sports and their individual story of daily life with each other. This clearly
shows that exercising makes people act and talk pleasantly, which is a good way
to make positive relationship.
In conclusion, the elderly can gain not
only a healthy life but also good relationship with others. In this regard, I would say that the elderly people require exercise more than young people do. --> 대/소문자 사용 주의해주세요 Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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GOOD
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GOOD
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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