■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words.
■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer

▶ Your Answer :
   Opinions may_be divided over whether parents should encourage students to do their assignment or helping them. People of various ages and different walks of life may take diverse positions on this controversial issue (이전 문장과 내용이 겹칩니다). We cannot deny the fact that it is more efficient (단어 선택 오류) for parents to help students. Personally, therefore, I agree that helping them students helps allows (help의 반복, 다른 단어로 대체해줍니다) students to save time and do better (무엇을?).

   To begin with, they (topic sentence에서 대명사 쓰지 말아주세요) do not need to undergo trial and error since if (주장이기 때문에 since대신 if로 써주세요) parents help them anytime. So, it can lead them to save a lot of time. Everyone is aware that time is incredibly precious in the heyday of their life, If if students waste time going through trial and error, will time wait for them? The answer will be no. Before I said (정확히 무엇을 의미하는지 해석이 안되는 절입니다), trial and error is an old story. In the world we live in, time is gold. Since we cannot turn time back, we must manage time efficiently by saving time. For example, when I was in elementary school, I had lots of homeworks (불가산 명사) for vacations. On all such occasions (받는 부분이 이전에 나오지 않아 어색합니다 - homework for vacations 부분은 such occasion으로 받을 수 없어요) , my parents used to help me do these assignments. In particular (In particular부분을 쓰시면 they helped me to do ~ 이런식으로 설명을 해주셔야하는데 뒤에 절에서는 부모의 도움과 관련된 내용이 나오지 않고 있습니다), on-the-spot experience report (어색한 표현입니다) took tremendous amount of time to write it. At the time, my parents helped me a lot to write it a lot such as by taking pictures in the place for the report and brainstorming thinking what to write. So Thus, I could save a lot of time than compared to my friends and then did managed to do other homeworks. or Moreover, I was able to spend more time learned doing various things activities like a Taekwondo and a piano. As a result, I became far more talented than other my peers.

   On top of that, young people usually do not know how to cope with lots of assignment all at once (parents should help them because ... 내용을 담아주시면 주장에 대한 이유로 받아들이기가 더 쉬울 것 같습니다.) . Moreover, they are not used to doing something alone and find it difficult to do it at first. So, they require parents' advice and experience to do it better. Parents' experience plays important roles on their school works and development further. I believe indirect experience is one of the most essential factor of managing their tasks by learning parents' know-how. On the contrary,  Imagine that people who did their doing assignments alone have using only textbook knowledge. While going through trial and error, they may employ inefficient methods repeatedly. Due to regular failures, it might lead them to lose their self-confidence. Therefore, by learning parents' wise knowledge, they can not only know how to manage their tasks but also broaden their horizon of the world (이 내용이 topic sentence에 나와야합니다). A study that conducted by The Board of Education is a good example of this. The researchers tracked the habits of 200 young students over a 3 year period, in order to find out how they efficiently deal with their assignments that they confront daily. What they found was intriguing. The students who strives strive to get parents' advice were better at solving assignments than those who relied on their own ability. The reason was that they already knew what the best decision is for their hard works work since they have continuously practiced continuously how to apply tackle the problem through by applying their parents' know-how. This study demonstrates that students can be flexible (단어 선택 오류; 이전 내용과 관련 없습니다) and deal with hard difficult problems more easily with parents' assistance.

   In this regard, I firmly hold that parents should help children's school works for the reasons that I mentioned above.

Score: Limited (1-16), Fair (17-23), Good (24–30)

Comments: 

- 단락을 나눌 때 들여쓰기 + 엔터 스페이싱 두 가지 모두 하시고 계세요. 둘 중 하나만 선택해주세요. 

- 어휘력이 좋습니다. 그러나 문장에 어울리지 않는 단어가 들어가있는 경우가 있었습니다. 첨삭 내용을 확인해주세요.

- 서론이 조금 정리가 안되어있는 느낌입니다. 이 statement에 대한 본인의 주장이 뭔지 되도록이면 앞부분에 미리 언급을 해주세요. 

- topic sentence에서는 왜 부모의 도움이 필요한지에 대한 이유를 넣어주시고 이때 대명사(he/she/they)는 쓰지 말아주세요.

- 본론1은 점점 주제에서 멀어져가고 있습니다. 이 주제는 아이들이 부모의 도움을 받아야하는지 말아야하는지 묻고 있는데 본론1에서는 시간 절약의 중요성에 대한 내용이 상당한 부분을 차지하고 있어요. 본인의 주장에 대한 설명에만 초점을 두시는 것이 좋습니다. 

- 전체적으로 본론1과 본론2 내용이 많이 비슷하고 정확히 둘의 차이점이 뭔지 파악하기가 힘듭니다.

- 특히 본론2에서는 정확히 무엇에 대한 설명이 이뤄지고 있는지 이해하기가 어렵습니다. 

본론1: if parents help their children with school work, the children can save a lot of time. 

본론2: if parents help their children with school work, the quality of the work will be much better. 

이런식으로 구분이 되게끔 해주세요. 

수고하셨습니다:)