Some people think that being at work is more important to your life than spending time with your family (비교에는 비교 대상이 필요하죠!!!). However in my opinion, spending time with family is much more important. There are two reasons why. First, today society today is very competitive society, so it is important to be diligent at work in your company. Second, when you are working, you can earn money. Money which is crucial in your life.
To begin, being sincere in your company can affect you in today's competitive society. To survive in this world of endless competition, people ought to be selfish. In the case of company environment, everyone is aware that sustaining their places is like a camel passing through the eye of a needle nowadays. One's ability can be clouded by others’ abilities so in order to stand out, a person must do their work properly and faithfully. For example in my sister's case, she works in for the cosmetic company, Kolma. She has worked so hard. Even though our family planned to go abroad, she always told us that she could not go to other countries because of her hard works. I could not understand her at that time, and I blamed her. However due to her diligence at work, she got a promotion before other her co-workers. My parents got surprised that she was already the head of the marketing group. She said that she was so proud of herself. (문단을 예시로 끝내지 말고 이 예시를 글쓴이의 주장과 잘 연결을 시켜주세요. “이 예시에서도 볼 수 있듯이, 가족과 함께 시간을 보내는 것보다 일을 열심히 하는 게 ~~~~한 면에서 좋다.” 이렇게 한 문장만 더 써도 충분합니다.)
On top of that, the money is important in your life, and working makes money. In this materialistic society, money is sometimes regarded as one's power. If you have no money, you will be considered as a loser and be ignored. There will be no place to stand in this society. We cannot deny the fact that other pleasures of life can be filled by having enough money to spare. When I was a child, intangible things like freedom, love and peace tended seemed to be important. However, in the current world, tangible qualities like money are of greater importance. The researchers in Du-san company found that two-thirds of their employees felt happy in their payday, not more than in the other emotional, and memorial memorable situations. The reason was that if they worked harder, they can get money and buy things that they want to buy with the money. At that time, compensating material things to themselves caused motivation to their life. (위 문단에 대한 코멘트와 마찬가지입니다. “그렇기 때문에 일을 열심히 해서 페이를 올리는 것이 좋다.” 한 문장쯤 덧붙여서 예시와 주장을 연결시켜주세요.)
To sum up, being at work with diligence gives you a tremendous result in the rivalry competitive (rivalry는 명사입니다) society. Moreover money is a significant and the motivational factor. In this regard, being at work is much more important than spending time with family in your life.
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair (21-24)
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