▶ Your Answer :
There are some people who believe that
spending time alone is the most ideal way to relax and relieve stress. However,
I personally believe that having time with people such as friends and family
members is the best way for two subsequent reasons. First, socializing is
efficient to relieve stress. Second, one can not do outside activities alone. To begin with, human is social animal. (So that?) To
be specific, our genetic system is built upon the premise that we are social
animal. Hence, it is much efficient for us to relax with close friends or family
members. According to research done by the department of biology, people who
belong to a single-household, only one person in a household, is more subject
to suicide compared to those who have more than one family member in their
household. In addition, the researcher interpreted this result by mentioning
that people who spend their time alone in the modern society have problems in
dealing with their stress. (why's that?) This explanation is very plausible because, in the
past, when almost every people lived together, suicide rate was extremely low. On top of that, people can not relieve
stress without outside activities. (Are you sure?) This is because when people are in blue,
whatever they do alone will intensify their emotions. For instance, when I
broke up with my girl friend, I could not study and work properly. Even though
I had my time alone at home by watching television and playing on-line games,
nothing got better. However, after I met my best friends outside, went to play
sports, and traveled to foreign country with them, I could regain my normal
life.
To sum up, people are more efficient to
refresh when they live together and when they spend their time with friend
outside. In this regard, spending time alone is inefficient in relaxing and
relieving stress.
채점기준표
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Grammar
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Contents
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Example
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Coherence
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점수
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4
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4
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3
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4
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Score
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Good 20-24
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- 첫 번째 예시는 근거를 정확히 제시해주셔야 합니다. - 두 번째는 thesis에서 수정이 필요해요. Some people은 music을 듣거나, 혼자 운동을 하는 것으로도 충분한 스트레스를 풀 수 있을 수 있기 때문에, 모두 적용될 수 있는 thesis로 수정하여 주세요.
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