A
thought provoking current issue concerns whether being different from others is
conducive for achieving success. Some people claim that being different from
others does not help people grasp success. However, in my view, differentiating
myself from others is definitely helpful to achieve success. (인트로 좋습니다.)
To
begin with, many companies are searching for employees who have
professional skills in specific fields. This is because the importance of
professional abilities is growing constantly. For example, a trade company
definitely needs employees who are especially
good at foreign languages, economics or accounting. One of my friends' parent
(parent 한 명이면 mother, father을 써주시고, 두 분 currently runs a trade
company, which concentrates on the Southeast
Asian market. And the employer, my friends' parent, is
always eager to find employees who have a higher
level of language skills, as the employer's counterparts are non-English
speakers. In this situation, it is a good opportunity for a job seeker who is good at languages spoken in Southeast Asia, and
he or she would do well on the company and also have a chance to make his
or her own way in that nascent market. Thus, people who have specified skills
can find ways to success more effectively.
On top
of that, being different from others also gives
creativity and originality. If everyone is not different from each other, there scarcely will not be much creativity nor originality. On the other hand, being different
can be helpful for pursuing creativity and originality. (너무 반복적으로 사용하시면 글이 지루해집니다. 차라리 ‘the two factors’라는 표현으로 대체해 주세요) There are lots of examples of
people or companies with creativity and originality created by differentiating
that led them to the success. For instance, Billy Beane, who was a
the general manager of Major League Baseball
club Oakland Atheletics, decided to deny the conventional operating system
and applied a different way to his team, which was called the
sabermetrics. He widely used statistical information and this led to the
originality. At that time, the Atheletics always
had more loses than winnings, but during the
Billy Beane era, the team played in a cost-effective way which many pundits
were criticizing and the result was enormous. (문장이 너무 길어지면 흐름에 좋지 않아요. 중간에 한 번쯤은 끊어주세요) Atheletics
spent much less money than the New York Yankees
but Atheletics but could perform as well as
the Yankees did. does.
In this case, Beane's different though methods
led to unusual originality and eventually, it was helpful for achieving
success.
To sum up, being different from
others can be effective for job seekers. Moreover, differentiating can also
gives creativity and originality that can help people achieve success.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that being different from others is definitely
helpful for achieving success.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Good (24-30) |
Score |
24 |
Overall
Comment: |
잘 쓰셨어요. 포인트를 잘
잡아주셨고 논리적으로 잘 설명해 주셨습니다. 문법 오류들이 조금 있어서 감점을 드렸어요. (위 수정사항 참고해 주세요) 추가적으로 지적을
해드리자면, and를 너무 많이 쓰셔서 문장이 길어지는 경향이 있으세요. 또한 'the/a'와 같은 전치사들 사용에 아직 조금 미숙하신 것
같습니다. 수고하셨어요. |
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